And this is my life...

My life today

2008-11-24T09:39:00.002-05:00

So I sit here and maul life. Is it good, Is it bad... what makes my life better or worst than the next. With Thanksgiving coming up on Thursday I plan on writing something to read to my family. No this is not a tradition as my family is anything than traditional. However, my life has changed so much over the last year I want my family, the ones who have been there the most for me this last year to know how much it means to me. Brian, who is the root of all of my change is my rock. No matter how bad my day is and how crappy I feel he looks at me and I just know things are going to be okay. Sooner or later things will work out and we will have a good day again. My kids, who are plenty, are great kids. There are 7 of them that I now call MY KIDS. They range in ages from 14 - 5 and for the most part they do not give us problems. Yes, Andy still has his problems but we are working on this daily. Yes, Patti, Corey, and Mikie are all teenagers and have their own opinion, their own way of thinking, but they also know that Mom (or Dad) are boss and that they will end up listening to us. Johnna is developing into her own little person with her own little world. Brian Jr. is growing up before my eyes. And I don't even want to get started with Haley. She actually is loosing her first baby tooth... I started crying once again with that... My mom and dad who no matter what are there for me. Who love me and trust that I will not always make the right decision but will learn from the wrong ones so I don't repeat them. My brother and sister in law... well I know if I really needed them they would be there but yeah, they have their own life and their own problems. So yeah... I have a lot to be thankful for this year...

Hello again

2008-10-15T20:51:00.003-05:00

It sure has been a while and a ton of things have been going on. Life definately isn't any more sane than it was when I last left off... Updates: dante and i called it quits for a few months after brian started thinking something was up. dante got mad that i choose brian over him and that was the end of it. i miss him and thinking of doing a 2some with rebecca and him... don't know if i can or not... Brian and i set a wedding date 7/11/09. Andy went back into four winds for 2 months last spring. didn't help! we are still "playing with his meds"... he has a new doctor... new program for the day... Haley started kindergarten... I cried her first day... Patti is in the high school... Mikie is still Mikie... oh, yeah the three older kids havent' seen their father (FatHead) in over a month.

i know this is short but i got to get to bed... promise to write more tomorrow.

Looking ahead and now knowing

2008-01-04T16:48:00.000-05:00

It is FRIDAY... the first week of 2008 is over. It went by rather quickly but without too many stresses. The kids are starting to get back into the swing of getting up early (after 2 1/2 weeks off it was hard the first couple of days). I am not nearly caught up with my paperwork from being off for vacation let alone the end of the month stuff and the end of the year. Then I have to start thinking about purging the filing cabinet of 2006 stuff so that 2007 can fit into it as the RNs need room to file. Looks like I will be working this weekend.

So as some of you may have figured out Dante and I are indeed seeing each other. Let me explain our relationship as I see it currently. I am happy with Brian but I am not content. I don't want to loose him or hurt him. Dante states the same thing about Rebecca. Now I don't know their relationship fully because I don't really know Rebecca but I can state in my opinion that I am missing something in my relationship. Dante brings what I am missing and always has an ear to lend. He is not trying to break up me and Brian. We have spoken about if or when the 2 separate relationships should fail if we would try again (openly). Right now, I just want to live in the moment. I want to enjoy the friendship. I want to enjoy him. Someone might look in and say that I am doing morally wrong. I agree. Plain and simple... I do agree. However, I just can't let go. I can't bring myself to talk to a therapist about it neither.

I once told a friend that I was addicted to two things. Neither were illegal so why should I give either one up. One was Caffeine. As in Soda... I used to drink about 2 liters of Pepsi a day by my self. Now I just have a coffee in the a.m. and a soda with lunch (16 oz.), and a soda at bed (16 oz.)time. And if I want anything more I drink water, juice or koolaid. The other thing I am addicted to is SEX. Yes, I said it. I am a closet Nympho. I need to have my fix every other day at least. I would enjoy it every single morning and every single night with a couple of random times throughout the day but there are kids to be taken care of and jobs to be worked so I get what I can... If I don't I turn into a bitch. I mean really a big one. I can't help myself neither. But the problem that I have also is once is not enough. It is like just warming me up. So here is my current dilemma. I have no place for Dante and me to get comfortable and spend some quality time together. If anyone cares... help me... don't try to change me!

On my mind

2008-01-03T09:21:00.000-05:00

Even though I had a great experience in Florida with my family my thoughts and mind often drifted back north. I called Dante whenever I could (which was not often enough for me with everyone else around). Christmas came and went uneventful. New Year's eve and day came and went uneventful. Some may like this. Others like me get depressed. Not that I want drama but something would be nice. Dante - he called... made me smile and wish I was with him instead of where I was at.

Dante and I went out last night. He picked me up after the kids were in bed and after I had spoken with Brian. We went through the drive in at McDonald's and just drove around and talked. We talked about us. We talked about Brian and Rebecca. We talked about the kids. And it is hard for me to sit here and not know what is going to happen. I mean I am happy with Brian but I am not as happy as I could be. I also don't think Dante would be able to make me as happy as I want to be. He calls me at all time crazy times just to put a smile on my face and then just say he's got to go. He makes me wonder what is on his mind. Is this a good thing? I don't know. I think I am playing with fire...

That's my thoughts for right now anyway...

Florida 2007

2008-01-03T09:01:00.000-05:00

So my family finally went on an all out vacation. On December 15th we loaded the Honda, loaded the kids, and gassed up for what was going to be quite an adventure. That it definitely was! After driving 19 straight hours we finally hit Florida border at 6:30 a.m. Everyone started to wake up as we hit Jacksonville and they noticed they no longer needed their heavy winter jackets, the blankets covering them as they slept and they all needed to stretch. So we decided to stop into an IHOP. As we pull into the parking lot I thought of Weekends Off and missed my Internet already. Now for those of you that don't know my family that went consisted of Me, my 4 kids (ages 13, 12, 10, & 4), Brian, his 3 kids (ages 14, 11, & 7) and my parents (both in their 50's). My parents only had 2 kids (DUH! me and my brother) so I was unsure how this adventure was going to turn out with all of us sharing a condo for a week. Breakfast was trying as Andy's meds were not doing him any good with him being cooped up for so long and not being able to get out his energy. We got through it though. We needed to wait until 4 p.m. before we could check into the resort so we decided to bring the kids to Daytona Beach and spend some time just enjoying the fresh air. The kids had fun and was glad to be back to the ocean. (see last summer when we went to Virginia beach after one of Patti's competitions). Anyway we decide to head over to the resort which was another 3 hours away. We FINALLY get there and the place was gorgeous. Believe it or not the layout was perfect for the people that we had. Lots of room and I think it was bigger than my house. Sunday evening the kids were all tucked in and sleeping by 10 p.m. Monday we stuck around the resort and let the kids go exploring. Tuesday Mom and I went to pedicures, massages, and manicures then we did a flee market (how come they don't have them up north?) Then we went to a Pirate Dinner Theatre (just the adults). Wednesday we went to Magic Kingdom, Thursday we split up and my parents and some of the kids went to Epot while Brian and I took the rest to MGM. Friday - Mom and I stayed at the resort with the kids (aka I was poolside all day!) and Dad and Brian went deep sea fishing. When dad and Brian got back mom and I had most of our things packed. Saturday we woke up and reload everything and headed home at 11:00 a.m. Looking back it seems like it went by so fast. Times it was tough. Stressful. And even unbearable... But we did it. Sunday December 23rd at 10 a.m. we crossed NYS border. The adults were glad to be back. The kids want to know when we get to go again. Brian and I are thinking the next time we will fly. We are looking forward to a mini get away in February with his mom and her boyfriend like last year.

New year = New Hope

2007-12-31T08:50:00.000-05:00

I sit here almost by myself at work. There are a couple of reasons for this, one being that it is New Year's Eve and a lot of people just took the day off. The other reason is that is snowed about 10" last night. It is alright by me that no one else is here as I get more done on days like this.

I have so much on my mind, so much I want to share, so much I need to let go of and I don't really know where to start. I guess I will begin where I left off. I last wrote the beginning of November. That is when it happened. Dante and I started to really start talking again.

My background on Dante: We met online so many years ago. It was just a flirt. I needed a distraction at that time. I was between men (few times in my life). Brian and I had just broken up and I needed a friend. He was there. Actually tonight will mark an anniversary of sorts for us... for it was a terrible New Years Eve on my part that brought us ultimately together. It was NYE 2004 I had invited a couple of friends over for drink and merry. We ended up taking a road trip and it ended bad... No, no accidents but I did things and well at the end of the night I called Dante and we talked until the sun came up for the New Year. We didn't automatically start seeing each other. We became friends first, which was so much different for me. He had his place and I had mine. He liked that, I hated it. We end up dating (I think excusively, he says so but I felt different). I thought for so long he was going to be the one. The one that I was going to marry and be happy with. My life started to stress me out. The kids (Andy) got worse. Dante wasn't in that part of his life yet to understand where I was coming from and it drove us apart. Things just got in our way and I ended up using him as a punching bag. I regret it so much as he was my best friend for so long and I felt like I ruined it. Brian and I had started talking again and after Dante and I broke up we discussed working things out between us. About 2 weeks after things were said and done I get an e-mail from him that we needed to talk. That there were things that happened that he never told me and he needed to be fair and let me know from him and not someone else. Well - long story short. He had a one night stand shortly after we got together and she ended up pregnant. The baby was born and he was served paternity papers shortly before we broke up. Instead of coming to me so we could deal with this together, he didn't believe it was his kid so he kept it from me. He had just gotten home from court and the test came back that he was indeed the father of a daughter (conceived while he was with me!) I was flabbergasted. (Is that a word??) I was happy in my current relationship (Brian). Brian had given me a ring and he devoting everything to me and the kids. Dante and I still talked but it was strained. It felt like there was more that needed to be said but neither of us wanted to say it. It is so hard to write what you feel and for some of you, you will understand where this is coming from. I still loved Dante and didn't want to give up that piece of my heart to Brian although Brian has given me so much and had done everything I could wish for. Dante was different. He brought me new experiences, circumstances to overcome, challenges... he brought out a new me. I liked that about him. So fast forward it to the beginning of November and Dante and I are e-mailing back and fourth and we are bullshitting each other about how great our relationships are with our significant others. (He had been with Rebecca for some time now). He has full custody of Skylar and is going through the trials of family court and dealing with a nonexistent parent like I was when we were together. I laugh at him and how much he has "grown up" since we broke up. We decide to meet for coffee as friends and just talk. I missed that about him. We used to talk for hours about anything. When went to Friendly's for coffee. (This is where we first met so many years ago for coffee so it felt strange but a familiar strange and was nice). He was quiet. I knew something was up but I didn't want to push him anymore. I knew in time he would open up to me if he was going to. He did eventually... I have my best friend back... At least that is the way I feel. I can be myself around him and he doesn't care. He doesn't judge. He is there to help me when I fall to get back to where I was before. Only there is more, more that Brian doesn't know. More that I don't know if I will ever be able to write about. Because life is so complicated. Life is strange...

Still alive!

2007-12-29T15:42:00.001-05:00

I just wanted to drop a quick line to anyone that is still reading. I am still alive. Got lots to write about but no time. I am hoping to make time after the beginning of the year. Florida was great - stressful with 7 kids and my parents but good all the same... Thanks for stopping by and have a great New Year. Oh, yeah! Be safe and don't DRINK and Drive!

Tuesday...

2007-11-06T11:06:00.000-05:00

Well it is Tuesday... Does it feel like anything special to you? Nope not really here neither. It feels like winter. Weird thing is 2 weeks ago we were still getting 80 degrees days every once in a while... For the past 2 days I have woken up to frost on my windows and running from the van to the house to get warm again while it warms itself up. I guess no one liked my rants from last Monday as I did not receive any comments but - I digress - WHATEVER... I didn't feel better after writing it so I don't know why I bother sometimes. Not only does it feel like winter due to the coldness but I am in a funk. I get this way every year around this time. Wish Brian would understand and be there for me a little more. I even tried to explain it to him but with him working 12 hours a day trying to save money for vacay in Dec (more below) he doesn't have the patience to deal with me or the kids...

Vacation in December:
I can't believe I haven't written about it yet. Ma & Pa own a timeshare. They haven't used it in 2 years and if they don't use their "points" by the end of December they will have lost them. So about 6 months ago Ma and I were talking about how I would love to go to FL. They have never gone and a plan was hatched. December 15th we will be leaving. Brian his 3 kids, Me and my 4 kids and Ma & Pa. for 8 days. The cost minimal as the resort is only costing us $100 for the 8 days. The most expense will be traveling down (driving 2 vehicles) and entertainment (Disney for 2 days, spa, deep sea fishing, etc...) we plan on doing as much relaxing (as possible with 7 kids)... the stress - I don't know if Pa can handle the kids for that long... luckily they have their own room and Brian and I take care of our own so it isn't like we are going to be dumping the kids off and leaving to be with each other... I am expecting X-mas to be very quite (we return the 23rd and they will then go to their other parents for the holiday... The only kid we will have for the few days when we return will be little Haley. So we are all now counting down the days till we go! 46 days!

Life is pretty boring right now - fell asleep on the couch watching a movie with Haley at 9 p.m. last night - Mikie was doing homework and the other 2 were already in bed so I guess it was all good. Unfortunately I woke up at 1 with a start and called Brian - he was on his way home... Still don't know why I woke up... my heart was beating fast - just another day I guess...

Sorry if this is confusing but alot is going on in my head and nothing goes with anything else... I guess I should get back to work.

Two things

2007-10-29T13:38:00.000-05:00

I have but two things to say today.

#1 why is it that just because a man can have children he feels the need to care for them when he has court ordered visitation rights and then insist that he knows what is better for the child. Let me explain:
Andy and Mikie Jr. had visitation this weekend. Since the last fiasco in court I have kept it pretty tame as far as allowing the kids not to go. As far as I knew he was abiding by the court order. He understood the severity of Andy's diagnosis and was giving him his medication. This week Brian dropped them off around 10:30 Saturday morning... (He was supposed to come and get them at 9:00 a.m. but didn't want to leave his place and Brian had to leave anyway so he just dropped them off). I was out Sunday evening and called to have him get the boys ready as I would be picking them up (mind you he is also supposed to drop them off at 8 p.m. but I try to make it easier if I am out and about). 7:30 p.m. Sunday I pick up the boys. Andy reeks of Pee... when I ask why they both start in with Andy had an accident Saturday night and I didn't send clothes... Okay so dad can't call me? He has a cell phone and just this week he got a house phone... NOT one phone call from him this weekend asking for clothes for Andy. Second point is okay so he had an accident... you let him sit in those clothes all day long on Sunday. You couldn't give him a bath and put him in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and wash his clothes in the sink if you can't get a hold of me... oh wait - There is no excuse as the kids have a way to get into the house even if you can't get a hold of me... so why would you do that? Secondly is Andy was animated when approaching the van... Cautiously I ask...
Me: How was your weekend?
Andy: Good.

Me: What did you do...
Andy: nothing really just watched tv...

Me: Okay (thinking to self here we go...)
Me: Hey did you get your meds this weekend.
Andy: Nope
Me: Did you get any of them
Andy: Nope dad didn't give me any of them... Said he didn't think I needed them.

WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
So the rest of the night was long
Andy's concentration was nonexistent so forget about homework... He had to get in to the tub as soon as we got home and I can't stand his father for yet another time! How could I have ever loved him? Do I turn him in for Neglect? (Child Protective Services) Do I start Court proceedings again? Do I just plan on being the parent even when they are over there and find them and administer Andy's meds myself to make sure he is getting them? FRUSTRATION... RAGE...

**UPDATED** I went back over to Dad's and asked for his pills. He played dumb and said he didn't know where they were... luckily Jeannie has nosey kids and her daughter gave me the pills... All of them were still in the same bottle as when I gave them to him on Saturday... So now I know for a fact and not just Andy stating he didn't get them... now what?

#2: Seen SAW IV last night! Loved it... My Man got me hooked on it - suspense, thriller, horror, etc... give it to me! I had to go out and buy the first one as we had 2 & 3 but couldn't find 1 anywhere around home... This is not for the weak stomach or heart people! A good break from the kids though as Patti was home with Haley and the boys were at father's (see above).

Okay to that is my Monday RANT!

Update on Andy...

2007-10-16T13:27:00.000-05:00

Since Anon Mom asked here it is...

Andy was in a terrible accident on 9/4/07. It was about 10:15 a.m. and I was at work. The call was from Four Winds Hospital (FWH) where Andy had been staying the past 2 weeks. He was on the playground riding a bike and fell and they thought he had sprained his ankle. They called the ambulance and he was en route to Saratoga ER. I started calling family and notified my bosses that I needed to leave. It took me close to 2 hours to get to the ER. By the time I got there FWH staff had already sat with him through x-rays and doctor's poking and prodding him. I asked what was going on and I was shown x-rays of his leg/ankle. He had broken both his tibia and fibia completely. In essence, he snapped his foot off his leg. They gave him more pain killers so he was in and out of consensus tried to set the break and put a cast on it. FWH wanted him to go back there but since he was on pain killers I did not feel that being away from me to help figure out his meds and behaviors was the thing to do. So I told FWH staff to start the discharge process. Upon admission I was told that it could take up to 72 hours for full discharge. I insisted that I was not leaving him in the state he was under their care so they started the paperwork. By the time he was discharged from the ER - full leg and foot cast FWH was in the process of packing all of his things. We then had to follow FWH transportation since technically he was still in their care. When we arrived his Therapist was in a meeting, so we sat. The therapist came out after about 30 mins and reviewed a discharge paper with me, who was going to be doing follow up therapy, who he would be his pdoc, who is pediatrician was... blah blah blah... gave up a script for meds that they had put him on, a script for the school to be able to give him his noon time dose and sent us on our way. The first week was long... He was in and out of sleep so much I felt so bad for him. NO WEIGHT BEARING. He started school a week late but this wasn't an issue since they were only doing academic assessments. His father never bothered to contact him to find out how he was or what was going on... That Monday following he started going to school. The meds seemed like they were doing the trick. He was concentrating during classes and getting along just fine, although homework time is horrendous. Then after about a week the school changed things... I guess this is for the good because he needs to get accustomed to changing classrooms for middle school. The behaviors started again. He now is in blocks and changes classrooms 4 - 5 times a day. He has behaviors most mornings and I have been called more than once because he is out of control but usually the teacher and his aids do a good job with redirection. If he can't handle the other classes he just goes back to his homeroom (12:1:1 class he is assigned to). He is academically as smart if not smarter than some of the 5th graders but he just doesn't want to/feel the need to/desire to do the work. He has been accepted to participate in band and is playing the trumpet. He enjoys this. So we use this when his behaviors get out of hand. It helps. I personally don't thing his meds are right still but they are way better than they were. Mornings are especially tough on him. After he receives his noontime adderall he is a completely different student. Efficient, alert, focused, etc... Should I push for a little more in the morning or keep it the way it is? (If I do get more in the morning are we going back down the same track as before as far as more and more meds to get what we want?) It has been 6 weeks... He is taking Adderall XR 30 mg 1 a.m.; 1 @ noon - Risperdal .25 mg a.m.; .5 mg HS, Cogentin 5 mg BID, and Depakote ER 250 mg 1 a.m.; 2 HS... SOMEONE LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK!

As far as the leg... We went to the orthodoc yesterday... CAST CAME OFF! FINALLY!!! however, still no weight bearing. He has to use the crutches still. No sports all school year and Physical Therapy 2 -3 times a week for at least the first month... then we go back and see how he is tolerating it... He said this is an injury that will effect him for at least 2 -3 years since both bones were broken right through. The hard thing to grasp is the fact that FWH isn't giving me a straight answer as to what happened. I have finally called them and asked for a copy of the actual report (for my records), they gave me a run around and said that they had to locate what happened to the report and would call me when they found it and was going to mail it. I tried calling a lawyer but they said I don't have a case... Andy said another kid rode another bike into him on purpose because him and Andy got into an argument earlier in the day... My question is isn't that neglect by FWH staff for not trying to defuse the situation or even can't I sue the kids parents? But no one wants to help... the transportation cost is killing me with the price of gas, I have no more benefit time from work so I have to take it with out pay for his doc appts the rest of the year, and he is still suffering because right now at 6 weeks later and up until the ortho doc gives us the okay he can't run, jump, hop, etc...

The rest of my life... is dull in comparison to this most of the time but I will update soon.

WHY

2007-10-09T10:09:00.000-05:00

Why is it that no one reads this?
Why is it that I always expect the worst?
Why is it that my relationships always fail?
Why is it that my kids disrespect me?
Why is it that I never feel good about myself?
Why is it that my friends are always guys?
Why is it that my friends here at work are pushing me away?
Why is it that when I think everything is fine, something come up?
Why is it that I always say yes, when I really me NO!?
Why am I the one that EVERYONE comes to for stupid things at work?
Why, Why, WHY!~

Music and Thinking...

2007-09-25T10:46:00.000-05:00

As I sit here at my desk listening to the music that I burnt onto CD’s last night I wonder what my life is doing to me. Rather where is it taking me. I have been a person of long standing bridges. As in I don’t burn them unless I have to. Even when I do they usually mend themselves and I start talking to that person again. I burnt 2 music CD’s last night and each and every song brings back a memory. An ex. A feeling… yet I love each and every song that I picked to listen to. It isn’t all country or hard rock neither it is a combination of all types of music because I listen to what I feel at the moment.

MIX:

My Boo – this song reminds me of Dante because I was with him when I first listened to it. He was called My Boo. Haley is also called little Boo…
Brown Eyed Girl – this song my parents had for me. I am their Brown Eyed Girl. It brings back so many memories of growing up and how simple life used to be.
American Idiot – Miky loves this song. Just the beat of it and the rhythm. I think of him every time I listen to it.
Concrete Angel – this song is just beautiful… Just sit there and listen to the words… it makes you think
The Heart won’t lie – This is just so true!
Sitting on the Dock of the Bay – just a feel good song.
Shut Up Bitch – This song by Little Kim makes me feel good when I am in the van by myself and I just need to yell. I don’t feel so stupid yelling at the top of my lungs when there is a song playing
St. Lewie – Nelly’s song – this song is one that Justin used to play all the time back when things were good… Just sitting with friends having a beer listening to this as loud as the stereo would go…
Good as I was to you - I have felt this way toward so many men/women in my past because I always give so much in my relationships and I always end up getting shit on.
Strawberry Wine - Makes me wonder what true love felt like back in the day… no responsibilities… just sweet love
Leave (Get Out) – I told Eric this…a lot is not known what happened between Eric and I except between us…
Without You – This is how I felt when Justin left me… will he still meet me in my dreams..?
Meredith Brooks – BITCH – this is me through and through… listen to it… and think… I know I can change but you won’t want it any other way… I am a bitch, a lover, a mother, a sinner and a saint…
A little Bit – What every woman needs…
Don’t need a Minute Man – George… I used to think of this song when I was broken up from him… so many stories… such bad memory…
Don’t Funk with My Heart – Just another feel good song… If I took you home would you still be in love with me… once you got to know me and my real life…
Back that Ass up – a good drinking song.
I will be right here waiting for you – Bryan Adams – I remember this song from a 9th grade dance that me and a boy danced to… it was our song… I remember the song but not the boy… funny eh?

Lisa’s Music

Contagious – Isley Brothers – It took me forever to figure out who sang this song for me to download it… I just love the story to this song.
I swear – an oldy
Because I got High – the reason for so many things that didn’t got right in my past
Colt 45 – Justin’s song – everything he was about… Colt 45 and 2 zig zags… baby that’s all I need.
You Otta know – Alanis Morsette - I sang this song over and over again when Justin left me for Nancy… It was so true…
Shut up! Another song like # 7 on the first CD…
Country Girl – just something different but good
My Dad’s Gone Crazy – Haley loves this song… she said her dad’s gone crazy and knows all the words that Hailey sings in this song with her father Eminem
Stickwitu – I sang this song to Dante when I started to hear rumors that he was cheating on me… who would have thought that they were true and he ended up with a daughter because of them.…
That Don’t Impress Me Much – This is what matters to me in a relationship – Not money, not fame, but how they treat me.
Picture – Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow… This song came out when Justin and I finally called it quits for good and he started making it publically known he was with Nancy. Andrew knew this song by heart at 5 and cried every time it came on the radio. I still cry everytime I listen to it… I used to always ask Justin to come home and he was always drinking his problems away
Rock & Roll is Dead – Just an up beat hard core song that makes me feel good.
Lean on Me – I used to be on a Volleyball team in high school and one of my team mates used to sing in the church choir. She had a beautiful voice and I remember her singing this to and from away games… I also saw the movie and it is one of my favorite.
Hello Again – Neil Diamond – I grew up listening to Neil. Dad’s favorite singer… Just listen to the words and it will make you cry…
Love on the Rocks – Neil Diamond – Another thinking song… brings back memories of singing along in the vehicle with Dad on the way somewhere (fishing, just car rides, store, etc.)
Watermelon Crawl – makes me want to go to Georgia and drink… until I have to do the Watermelon Crawl…
All things Considered – Yankee Grey – I used to play this song when Geore would leave me for someone… who would have known it would continue to go one for 4 years off and on again.
I Hate Everything About You – Ugly Kid Joe – I remember listening to this on the top 10 at night when I was supposed to be sleeping growing up… I felt this way about my dad, my mom, my brother, my teachers, my boyfriends…. It just made me feel like I could vent.
Take this Job and Shove it – a classic – listen to it and learn something.

So there you have it… some of my favorite music… The newer stuff I don’t have on my computer since I don’t have net anymore at home but once I get it back I will be making 2 more CD’s with more current stuff…

2007-08-29T09:03:00.000-05:00

We met with Andy's therapist and pdoc on Monday morning. We heard how his behavior has been toward staff and other children over the weekend. It seems like the med changes haven't effected him at all. He is still aggressive and disobedient. However, now he is not oriented to place or time. He seems "out of it". The pdoc is hoping it is because he was being weaned off of the seroquel at the same time the risperdal was introduced and that by today or tomorrow we will see a true baseline as Monday a.m. was his last dose of the seroquel. His drooling has become a constant also. Again the pdoc is hoping this is the two meds of the same family being in his system and hopefully it will go away with time. He spoke nothing of his adderall at the meeting other than it was reduced and nothing of the depakote. So I think they are just trying to get the baseline of the risperdal prior to changing these more than they already have. There was no mention of a discharge date and with school starting in a week I was told to notify the school that he will not be there and to have his school work sent up there for Andy to do during the "school day". April said that since the pdoc didn't mention a discharge date it will be at least another week if not two prior to him being discharged and we will have another meeting with both of them prior to make sure we are "satisfied" with the med changes. On a good note, we have Andy on a day pass for Sunday. From 1:00 - 7:00. We plan on picking him up and going school clothes shopping for him and Haley. Just the 4 of us (Brian, me, Andy, & Haley). He is looking forward to that time with us outside of the "hospital". I am not happy that things are taking this long however I have spoken with numerous other people who said that because I am very vocal about Andy's med issues and that I want something that works for him, that is the reason why they are taking their time. In the past they have been known to strip the meds, add new ones and discharge within 10 days. I have told both April and the pdoc that I don't care how long this takes but I don't just want him to just be sitting in the system. As long as something is being done I am happy. Waiting isn't going to change anything and we waiting long enough. Andy isn't going to "get better" on his own.

On the bad side of all of this. Patti and Mikie went for visitation over the past weekend and "dad" was told he needed to call Andy because Andy was asking about him. "dad" then relied to Patti over the weekend "it's your mother's fault he is there, why should I bother to call him. He shouldn't be on any meds and he would be just fine." Can someone please explain to me his mentality of all of this. How many doctors does it take before this "dad" realizes that there is a problem and he does need meds - for probably all of his life.

At home: The girls spent the night at a friend's house last night so it was only Mikie and me for dinner. At one point he started picking up the house. He does this when there is something on his mind. He just asked "mom, when is Andy coming home." I told him that I didn't know and we began to cry together. I told him they said probably at least another 2 weeks and he said he wanted him home now. He missed him. Of all the kids I did not expect this from Mikie. He said the house is too empty without him and it just doesn't feel like home the way it is now. I take that as a good thing! I told him that he could call Andy because at that time it was too late he was probably getting ready for bed and he sniffed and said okay, but I still miss him. I know, I know... so do I.

Visits: My brother and SIL is going to visit him tonight. She is in that "field" and will ask all the questions of the staff and RNs that I can't think of when I am there. We are going tomorrow night. It is hard when we go because it is usually a lot of us and we just go and "hang out" in his bedroom. Not much to really do but the time there is good. More than most of the other kids get. This time there will be 8 of us going. I will bring a new puzzle and probably a coloring book or something else. I am running out of things to bring him. He has most of his clothes there already. I just keep saying to myself "it is for Andy's best interest." "Andy is getting the help he needs".

I really miss my trouble maker though.

2007-08-23T13:19:00.000-05:00

The evening of the 21st was long, stressful, tiring, and a relief (in a good way). We were to be there at 8:00 p.m. We arrived at 8:05. Although they had 4 hours to get their paperwork ready we waited for the majority of the 3 hours we were there admitting him. After paperwork, talking, explaining, discussing, showing scripts, and waiting we were finally told that he was being brought to his house. It is the Caitlin house (children's house) as part of Four Winds in Saratoga. I have heard many good things and some bad things about it. However, there was nothing else I could do for Andy at home since his pdoc didn't want to listen to me. We seen his room. Seen around the house but since it was after 11 we didn't get to see too much. All of the staff were super friendly and was expecally talkative to Andy. Kept telling him that they could ask them anything. He asked about a bike and about markers, he asked about a roommate, he also asked about a snack (m & m cookies for that evening). We spoke with one of the evening staff who explained everything that I could think of. Filled out more paperwork (visitors, phone numbers and emergency contacts). Was told that we can visit any time (except from 8:30 - 2:30 as this is when programming - school/counseling/etc.). We also can call any time. We then went to tell Andy goodbye as he was getting his vitals done. He had tears in his eyes and wouldn't look at me. I told him I was proud of him and how brave he was being. I told him to be good and that I loved him sooo much. and with Tears in Brian's and my eyes we walked out and drove home. Not really saying much to each other on the hour drive. I love my little man and I miss him so much!

Day One:
The pdoc there called me at 11:15 a.m. We spoke about Andy's meds. What my concerns were. What I wanted to see happen. He explained what he wanted to do with Andy's meds - reduce Adderall to 20 mg @ a.m. and 10 mg @ 1 p.m. - he changed Seroquel to Risperdal as he has seen a better result with it as compared to Seroquel - Depakote is staying the same as he didn't want to change everything at once. If needed this can be changed to Lithium (down the road) as he put it. Asked if I had any questions and said that the Therapist would be calling to speak with me within a day or two to come in for a plan of action meeting.

I called Andrew at 7:05 last night. He seemed in good spirits. Was in the middle of watching a movie. Said it was funny. Asked what he had for dinner and after much thought he replied salad and chicken. Asked what else he did and he said he got to ride a bike today. He also said that he went for blook work as soon as he woke up and he was brave and didn't give them a hard time. Said he missed Haley and wanted to know if I could bring up his comforter and pillow and Haley on Thursday. I said sure. I loved him and he said he had to go he was missing the movie.

Day Two:
At 10:30 I received a call from a Ms. April, Andrew's Therapist. We spoke about the family dynamics and how his relationship toward his siblings were. AS well as toward Brian, me and his father. She did mention that he stated that he didn't like Jeannie (father's girlfriend). Told me that he was drooling and wanted to know if this was something new or was he doing this prior. I told her on occasion he was but it was NOT an everyday thing. She explained what the staff has noticed since Wed a.m. He wakes up groggy. Very hard to get motivated. Hard to process instructions or requests. They don't know if it is that he is just sleepy or brain just isn't functioning correctly. He then builds all day long with the hyper activity. By the time it was after dinner he wasn't listening to anyone. Was not obeying the rules... and was pushing the limits. (This is what I have observed at home). She also wanted to know about Andrew's accidents and I told her some of them. She asked about an EEG. I told her that he has never had one. Said that she might request one just to see what is going on. *shreks* I hope it isn't anything I neglected after one of his accidents and now it is my fault he is like this. We set up an appt for Monday a.m. and I spoke about me coming to visit him this evening. I will write how that turns out tomorrow.

(on the homefront)
Haley cried lastnight saying she didn't know where Andy was sleeping and she wanted to give him a hug good night. She wanted to know why he wasn't there. I tried to explain the best I could. Gave her a big hug and sent her back to bed... *sigh* I love my little girl so much. Patti and Mikie haven't shown that much reaction to Andy being gone...I will take it as a good thing for now.

Hospitalization

2007-08-21T15:33:00.000-05:00

They have decided to admit Andrew this evening. They told me to bring 5 sets of clothing and his meds. I haven't even discussed this with him or the other kids. I am a wreck and don't know what to do... I don't know what to tell the other kids. I don't know what to tell Andrew. All I know is what everyone else has been telling me and that is this is for the best right now. I don't know how long he will be there. When or how often we and the kids will be able to visit. This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever have to do in my life. Please pray for me and give me the strength. I have to go speak with my kids and pack now...

This weekend and such

2007-08-16T13:28:00.000-05:00

well I went to see 'christina' this morning and told her everything that I needed to. She urged me to call the hospital to discuss my concerns with them to see if they would take Andrew as an inpatient to try to get his meds figured out prior to school starting. I will call them tomorrow. I did talk with their coordinator regarding Respite services. Although I don't know how frequent we will be using them but they suggested once a month for a weekend (Friday 4 p.m. - Sunday). So we will see. She told us that it will be hard to place Andy with a respite family due to his high risk past (fire setting, etc.). It may be a week, it may be a month. I just think someone else for Andrew to get to know outside of his normal 'circle' is good. We also had to go over his treatment plan for the next 3 months. Since his goals were not accomplished we had to change them. However, what we want him to accomplish the most is what we want him to work on so we simplified it. Instead of showing respect toward his personal items, showing respect toward mother, showing respect toward other's items it is now stated: More times than not Andrew will make good choices when it comes to using his personal toys. Andrew will not take, use other's property without prior permission. AND Andrew will listen to adults when spoken to 50% of the time. Sounds horrible doesn't it... I don't know what to have as his goals and I am understanding Bipolar what does it matter anyway.

This weekend:
Andrew and Patti will be going with their father at 9:00 a.m. Saturday morning. Mikie Jr. is going camping/hiking/spelunking with the guys in my family on Friday through Sunday. Brian and I will be going for the day on Saturday. As for where we are going... It is called Chimney Mountain and it is located in the Adirondacks by Blue Mountain Lake. It is wonderful up there. Growing up after I moved out we always make standing plans for one weekend a year - usually father's day weekend. It is my dad, brother, uncles, and dad's friends - I am the only girl they can get into the caves. Go figure. I love it. Pulling your body up a cliff or dropping down a rope just to see what is around the next corner. Well the last 2 years everyone had been busy and dad was going through stuff medically that we never got around to it. BUT Dad called me 3 weeks ago and said they were going and wanted Mikie and Me to go. I told him that I couldn't go over night but I would go up for the day. (Actually, I don't think I could climb the mountain with a full pack anymore I am so out of shape). It is such a feeling of accomplishment once your on top though. So Brian and I will be leaving early Saturday a.m. to drive the 2 hours up there and then hike about 45 - 1 1/2 hours up this mountain to eat lunch (that we are providing) and then walk 1/2 way down the other side just to jump in a hole and look around for about 5 hours. Then we get to climb all the way back down the mountain - usually in the dark by the time we leave camp. Then we have to drive all the way back home. We will be exhausted Sunday and won't do a damn thing but I will feel better that I got out to exercise.

Sometime I will have to post about my camping trip earlier this year with Brian, Jay, and Haley... 1 1/2 miles turned into 7 miles all because of a wrong turn... Hey I got Ice cream on the way back though...

Accidents and Trouble

2007-08-15T14:07:00.000-05:00

Fell and cut his head open at 1 1/2 years old - no stitches
Fell at fathers at 2 years old and cut his tounge - 3 stitches
Played "jack be nimble jack be quick jack jump over I mean through a coffee table" - Put a 3' slice on his backside (ass). 4 1/2 years old no stitches
Started numerous fires in and out side of the house and at father's house. I called fire department at one point to put a brush fire out. (2004).
Broke knee twice Aug 05 and Sept 06 - same knee - numerous casts (I think a total of 16).
Stolen candy from convenience stores
Steals lighters - I have a lock box in my room and they are now either in our (adults) pockets or in the lock box locked and my bedroom door is locked
Undergone dental surgery with anesthesia (removed 4 bad teeth due to not brushing)
Steals Brian's tools to take things apart - the new sheetrock in his room, the electrical outlets troughout the house, the toaster, the vaccum, his bike, his brother's bike, his toys.
Binges late at night and denies he even woke up (I think this is a sleeping problem but pdoc won't order any tests).
The latests and greatest - tired to help Mikie fix his bike last night and Mikie smashed his finger with a hammer and split it wide open.

More of the story

2007-08-15T13:47:00.000-05:00

To give everyone some more background where Andrew is concerned...

I left his father when I was 3 months pregnant. His father got joint custody of him when he was 3 months old. In 2002 I finally gained full custody back of him. We have gone to couseling together/separate/as a family, etc. since. Right now the routine is that Andrew goes every two weeks to speak with "christina" by himself. Brian and I go every two weeks as a 'collateral appt.' Which means we go and vent and tell her what trials and obsticals we are up against as of late. His therapist is great and understands that behavior plans just wont work for Andrew or the family's life style. I have long digressed into picking and choosing my battles with Andrew. If he doesn't have to do it I won't push it unless it is something that he knew he had to do prior to a downward spiral... Chores... I am big on every kids has chores since I am the primary parent Monday through Friday and I have anywhere between 4 and 7 kids in the house everyone has to do something. With Andy though it changes from day to day or week to week. This week he wants to help with laundry but next week he wants to do garbage but in a day he wants to vaccum/sweep. It doesn't matter to me what he does since it all has to be done sooner or later and if he doesn't do anything then I will have to. Andrew also has to have routine. He is not OCD like many think of the diagnosis. One would have to have everything just a certain way or one would have to wash his hands everytime he touched something - If you have any questions about what OCD is watch the show MONK on USA... That is an extreme case although he has come a long way since the show started. Anyway, Andy isn't like that. He is a slob. He never picks up after himself. Won't change his clothes unless he is forced to. Has to be made to take a bath/shower everyother day. No, Andy is a routine OCD. He knows when he gets his pills and what ones when. He will ask when he doesn't get them as to why and everytime the pdoc changes them he goes through this transition phase of no knowing what is going to happen. If he is playing a video game he HAS TO FINISH the board. HAS TO SAVE THE GAME. It just isn't worth it turning it off. Hence many arguements and stressful times for me in the past. Just let him know 5 minutes before and then again in 2 minutes and then tell him that is it... and by 5 minutes after the fact it is shut off and he is running through the house not getting his shoes on that I have asked him to do since I told him to finally shut off the videogame. The hardest part for me with Andrew is in the a.m. getting him ready for school. He has a great teacher and has had her for the last 2 years. He will continue to have her this year but after that I don't know what we will do. The teachers in the past were horrible. Anytime he acted out he was taken to the principle - hey he wanted that. Back to the a.m. Since he is classified as disabled and goes to a different elementary school than our district he gets transportation to and from school. BUT the bus comes to our house at 7:15 a.m. Tring to explain to these people that he takes sleeping meds and has a disablity is no consolation because it is either you get your butt up and get on the bus or you find another way to school... Last year Andrew was late a total of 114 days. I finally got into the routine that I wouldn't even fight him to get on the bus. He was too tired. He got up after all 3 of the other kids (Patti & Mikie have to be to school by 7:30 since they are in the middle school and Haley's bus comes around 7:45)were already gone and left the house when I did in the a.m. to go to work. He would be either on time or 5 -10 mins late. His teacher knew he would be there so it wasn't an issue. It just took until May before we got the routine down where I wasn't late to work or he wasn't late to school.

I am scheduled to see "christina" tomorrow morning and I will be discussing anon mom's suggestion of cutting out the Adderall - even if it is just until school starts. The problem with this is I am NOT a stay at home Mom. Actually Patti watches him while I am at work. By this she monitors him and makes sure he doesn't hurt himself or get into anything that he isn't supposed to. He is able to go outside and play unsupervised since we have not had any instances of trouble as of late.

Andrew:

2007-08-14T15:40:00.000-05:00

As anyone who has already read my blog up to this point knows I am a mother of 4 wonderful kids. Andrew is 10 years old and weighs 87 pounds (this is good since he just lost 4 pounds). His cholestrol is high which they put him and essentially the whole family on a low cholestrol diet. He was diagnosed with ADHD back in 2002 when he was thrown out of headstart and I was told he needed a full evaluation before he was able to return (He took his shoes off and threw them at another kid's head that was making fun of him, hit the other kids square in the head and laughed his full head off and didn't understand why everyone was mad at him). See the thing with Andrew is I have always described him as "if it is a good day it is a really good day but if it is a bad day it is a bad day for EVERYONE." He has take ritilian (adverse affect) to an array of other medications. He was later diagnosed with ODD (oppositional defiant disorder - I don't want to and you can't make me hahahaha) and OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder - I have to save this game mom or else my world is ruined!). They have had him on Adderrall XR and Seroquel for so long now. This past 6 months have been a rollar coaster becasue they have just added the diagnosis of BiPolar to everythign else. Not that they gave him any testing for it but I took him to see the doctor one day and he says well I think he may have BiPolar - here are the drugs to choose from... see you in two weeks with your decision of which one you want to put him on... HELLO - your the one with the PhD - luckily I work in an ARC and for 19 nurses, 5 behavior specialists, a pharmacist, and a psychologist - all of which I use to my benefit anytime I need to when it comes to bouncing things off of. I am sorry but I really don't think the meds are helping and I found this blog Tenuous at Best whose son (late teenager) has the same diagnosis as Andrew and she agrees with me. She thinks that the Depakote and Seroquel are a great combination but the Adderall cancels them out. I am looking for more insight from others that understand where i am coming from... Since this is a growing issue as talk about sending him into a hospital to get his meds straighten out are getting serious... Any way his current med schedule is as follows :
8:00 a.m. - Adderall XR 30 mg (1 capsule), Depakote 250 mg (1 tablet), Seroquel 100 mg (1 tablet)
11:00 a.m. - Adderall XR 30 mg (1 capsule)
3:00 p.m. - Seroquel 25 mg (1 tablet)
8:00 p.m. - Seroquel 100 mg (2 tablets), Depakote 250 mg (2 tablets)

31st

2007-08-13T11:21:00.000-05:00

So today is my birthday. Other than a few "Happy Birthday"s from my co-workers nothing else is different about this day than any other. It makes me sad because EVERYONE hypes about their own birthday. mine - I get anxious over it. Not because I am getting older but because no one ever makes a fuss over ME. You see my father's birthday is the 20th so we ALWAYS had a party together - I don't remember when we didn't. Usually just a family gathering with a cook out... nothing special... Then when I got married my husband's birthday is the 14th - go figure! Then, well Patti's birthday is the 3rd and Mikie's is the 11th so - I don't have a chance to celebrate for my birthday all by myself or with my friends because I am celebrating my kids and my father's special day. UGH! It is so depressing. Mom usually calls me and sings Happy Birthday but since she started at the credit union she really doesn't call me at work much. I know she will call before the day is over but still... My brother - my one and only sibling won't call, won't send a card, won't even acknowledge that it was my birthday until the opportunity to give a snide comment comes up (Oh, you look so old, how old are you now...) about 3 months down the road I might add... Brian, well last year we didn't do anything special for my birthday and I don't foresee anything this year either because well, he was sound asleep when I left for work this morning, I haven't been able to get a hold of him yet to let him know my annual birthday lunch plans fell through (co-workers usually take me out to Taco Bell as a taco salad is my all time fav!) And he has to be to work in 2 hours so I probably won't even see him today. He has been working until 12 so I haven't been able to stay awake to see him because he doesn't get home until around 1 a.m. so if I do I am so grouchy and bitchy the next day because of the lack of sleep (I wake up by 7 at the latest and he gets to sleep until 10 -11 a.m.) So I think I will just go for a walk around the block and get some more chocolate out of my drawer and sulk that today is really just another day...

Joe

2007-08-09T11:41:00.000-05:00

How do I begin? I love you. Yet I can not be with you. You know that as well as I do. Why can't it be simplier. Haley is your granddaughter, if it wasn't that we may be able to work through everything else. Yes, we were together long before your son ever came into the picture. Yes you always treated me so well. You always made sure I knew how you felt. I am your girl. Even though I am with Brian and you hate it I am still your girl. I have screwed up so much in my life. It goes back to when Justin and I first started to do stuff behind your back. I know I never should have but I was young. I wanted another kid. You didn't. I wanted to get married, You didn't. I wanted to party, you didn't. I ruined a father and son relationship that now can NEVER be healed. If I could have changed anything in my life it would have been that. Justin is gone now. I told you once before that I will never be your wife - I will be your daughter in law. Well that isn't going to happen, I think god had something to do with the way things turned out there. I hurt you when I said that, I know I did. It is how I felt though. I don't hide my feelings. He hurt me so bad, just like you said he would. You said I would want you back, I did. Joe, why? I know I am not making any since but why?

I was told a story a long time ago and it is just there, out in the middle of my mind and I can't get it out. I have heard your side and I understand why things turned out the way they did and why you have the record you have but still, I can't get over it. You know what I am talking about. You know it can never be fixed.

You tell me that I don't want to be with you because you can't fuck me the way I need it. Joe, life is about more than the bedroom. You know that is the way I feel. Yes, I need a good fuck every once and a while but still. We have so much in common yet we are so far apart. Why is that? Why is it that no matter how long I stay away from you I still can walk back in and never ever changes.

Yes, Joe I love you!

Life, As I know it...

2007-08-09T11:14:00.000-05:00

Okay, well it is over, but is it really?

July we took the 6 hour drive from my crappy town to Manchester, NH for Miss Olympic Dance Diva National Tour. We spent Thursday through Monday in the Radisson hotel and ate take out every day (morning, noon, and night). We went through $1,200 and was extremely stressed the whole weekend. Where to begin? We left at 3:30 p.m. on Thursday expecting to only take 4 hours. The MSN directions that I had printed out took us up Route 7 to Route 9 and then take Route 9 all.the.way.through.Vermont.and.then.New.Hampshire. It was the longest ride ever. (Luckily on the way home we decided to jump on the Mass Pike even though it was longer it didn't feel like it). Anyway, up over mountains, around lakes, slowing down, speeding up. We only hit 2-55mph spots all the way there. It was foggy and the driving was horrible. Hence the reason why Brian drove the whole way there (actually the whole weekend, I can't stand driving and not knowing where to go). We arrive at the hotel at 9:30 and the lady behind the desk asked for a card. Brian gives her his bank card. They decline it. Of course because we only have a couple hundred in the bank. I explain that he gets paid Friday a.m. and it is direct deposit. Couldn't they just take for that night and then take the rest the following a.m. NOPE. Have to be able to cover the whole stay upon check in. WTF. So I had money left from my check (not much since I bought dinner and all the supplies for the weekend IE batteries, movies, etc.) Between the cash I had on me and the money that was in the bank we dropped $510 on the hotel. (Had to pay $100 deposit - like we could spare that!). I know not much for a hotel for 4 nights but still... I expected to pay when we leave like most places. We get the kids up in the room. Unload the van - about 3 trips UGH! Get them to sleep and I toss and turn. I hate not sleeping on my own bed. I love to travel but couldn't I just bring my own bed from home. (Stupid eh?) I slept maybe 4 hours Thursday night. Friday 7 a.m. I am up. Patti is in the shower, then me, then the rest of them while I prepare Patti for modeling. I guess we did a really good job on the hair and make up - SHE WON FIRST PLACE FOR FORMAL MODELING. She looked amazing. With the tips that the salon gave me Wednesday for her hair it looked like she went to a salon that morning. Her nails and toes sparkled because she got them done prior to leaving home ($96 in the salon because I had to have my feet done too!). If you were to see a picture you would think she was about 18. WOW! (She is only 13!). We all track downstairs to watch her show her stuff. All the anticipation and waiting for 2 1/2 minutes in front of the judges. Mind you we had to pay $10 each for buttons for Brian, Andy and myself for the weekend just so we could watch the performances. After her 2 1/2 minutes of fame we track it back upstairs so she can get changes to go SWIMMING! YEAH free time for mom! NOT!!! The pool sucked. There was no stairs just 2 ladders. Which meant Haley couldn't really play in it since it was 3 1/2 foot deep. So I had to keep her busy while the other kids fought among themselves and Brian got annoyed. We left around lunch time and went and got something to eat - I couldn't really tell you what it was since it wasn't any good. Then Patti got ready for her solo lyrical dance. At 3:00 we were back at the competition in the thick of things while we wait for her to go on. Well, in the first 20 seconds apparently she stubbed her toe and instead of ignoring the fact that her toe was killing her and move on she forced the rest of the performance. She did it technically correct, and the judges didn't know she made any changes to the routine but you could tell in her face she was concentrating way to hard for what she was doing. After that routine we ran back up to the room so she could change into her casual modeling outfit and back down to the competition. All went well but we found out later that the color we picked for her shirt with her hair down just didn't look right - she had orange hair in her pictures (red shirt, red highlights in her hair with it down... yeah, will not do that again!). Then it was back to the room again so she could change for the awards. That took forever to get over with. Haley was falling asleep by the time we left it was 10 p.m. UGH! Luckily Saturday Patti had off. We went to the mall and I got my Harry Potter book. Got something for each of the 7 kids. (We always do when we travel). And then went and hung out at the pool for 5 hours. At this time Brian was on edge with Andy. For some reason his meds decided they just weren't going to work this weekend and he was pushing ALL the buttons. Anyway, Sunday was great but tiring. Patti had 4 routines and Haley had 2. She was soooo cute. Haley was the youngest (4 y/o) to compete. Out of over 300 competitors she was the youngest... WOW!

Upon our return home Patti and I discussed her future as far as dance and she wants to take a year off. NO competition. YEAH! LETS SAVE MONEY! I mean if it is something she wants to do then I am going to pay for it like I have for the last 5 years but if her heart isn't into it why bother. So I told Kim that the girls will only be doing regular classes next year and she kind of gave me attitude. Hey, I can't do everything can I? Patti asked me yesterday if I would call the other local studio and find out about classes for this year... She wants to study under someone different. As far as Haley goes... I am going to look into horseback riding lessons - I heard they are $20/hour and you ride like 3 hours a week... OUCH!

Andy is another subject and I will get on with that in my next post... I have to get back to work since I am so far behind.

I can't wait until it is all over

2007-07-18T13:35:00.000-05:00

So tomorrow we leave. Patti will be doing formal and casual modeling and a lyrical solo on Friday and then on Sunday the whole team will be competing in various routines. She still hasn't figured out how she wants her hair. We still have to go to get it trimmed tonight and we are getting her nails (hands and feet) done as we leave town tomorrow. I have a feeling this is going to be one long ass weekend. She will be doing formal modeling at 10 a.m. on Friday then her solo at 3:30 then Casual modeling at 5 and finally awards at 8:00 p.m. So we are talking 3 different hair styles, 3 costume changes, make-up, jewelry, etc. I am going to be so tired because I just can't deal with all of this. Sunday is going to be crazy because not only is Patti going to be running around but so is Haley as she has 2 routines she will be in. I can't wait for pictures, pictures and more pictures! Saturday we are basically just relaxing and swimming in the overcrowded hotel pool but eh... at least I won't be working or at home doing house work.

Update as far as everything else in my life goes. Brian and I are getting along better. We still have arguments but not ones that he won't talk to me. I don't get annoyed as much anymore neither because I know he is mine. He lets me have my friends and knows that if he wants to know what I am doing I am not going to hide who I am with or what I am doing as I am not doing anything that I am not supposed to be doing anyway. We went out last Friday and had a good time. He got tipsy and I took some shots. It is the first time I have gone out (with or without him) that I got hit on and I didn't like it. Some dude at the bar asked me if I would buy him a beer... I looked at him and said "my boyfriend is buying mine" to which he replied - well do you think he will buy me one.... Um... No! Then we are in a different bar and I kept getting these looks. Maybe because my girlfriend Annette is a freak and dances like no one is watching and they knew I was with her but anytime some guy came up to us Brian and I made eye contact and he came over to shoo them away... It isn't that we didn't want the attention we just didn't want it from them. It was nice to have him there. Nice to go home with my drunk ass boyfriend and sleep until 1:30 on Saturday... to a hangover and an empty stomach.

Tonya has kept her distance. Her and Jay are now living together... basically from what I get about the ordeal is Nelson threw her out again. She has blatantly told Jay that she loves Nelson but she is still there. Jay and I talk often but not much about his situation because he knows how frustrated I get about it. I mean if you don't like it change it man! (Look at who is giving the advice - lol). Anyway, Tonya's brother and mom came up from Texas. Hasn't asked to see Haley - which they haven't seen in over 3 years - no surprises there. Whatever! I guess her brother is going to be staying... Yahoo.... Boy I am excited - NOT! Just another pain in the ass who can try to tell me how to take care of my kids. (did I mention he is 21 and has none of his own). Yeah, well, that's that update.

Work has been steady, I think basically because I fill in the gaps reading blogs, but it is nice still. I think I might go look for a new read... Take care and see you all on Tuesday...

P.S. Can't wait for updates from everyone's weekend - I think I will be reading blogs all day rather than working... LOL I won't tell if you don't...

GOOOOOOD Morning

2007-07-11T13:31:00.000-05:00

I have had a long eventful couple of weeks. We did our annual Six Flags, New England trip on Sunday. Adults only - there was 6 of us. All couples. I personally had a great time. The evening before my brother set off fireworks for my cousin's graduation/birthday party. God I love their house... soo much land, 11 1/2 foot pool, etc. Lots of room to party! And the food... talk about left overs. Anywho back to Six Flags. We did the Superman, The Batman, The Mind Eraser, water park, the only 2 things that I didn't get to go on that I really wanted to was the SCREAM - 20 story free fall drop. I went on that last year and loved it! and the Pandemonium. It is like the tea cups but on a roller coaster. I have never gone on this as the line is always forever and no one else that I go with wants to try it. There is always next year though. We didn't get back until 3 Monday morning and because I am such a good employee I was at work at 9 like I am supposed to (after dropping Mikie off to summer school and Andy to summer camp). Meanwhile Brian called in sick. Said he wanted to help around the house. Monday evening on my way home from work I stopped and picked up his 3 kids. We have them until Sunday. What fun! ALL 7 at home while he is at work and I am at work. But yesterday proved to be okay - other than the fact that they decided to eat at 5:30 as I was walking through the door so I refused to cook dinner. We had "grab its" or as some refer to it... Leftovers, cereal, whatever you want make it. Always seems interesting that one of the older kids (Mikie this time) ends up cooking (hotdogs - 2 pounds). But I got out of cooking on the Hot, Muggy evening of last. I instead barried my head into computer games. Super Collapse 3... I will solve that stupid game sooner or later. At about 11 I got off switch laundry around and went up to bed. Upon going to the bathroom to pick up dirty clothes - 7 kids equals a lot of laundry! I notice that I forgot to put my jewelry back on after my shower Monday evening. My rings are sitting on the edge of the sink but my $300 earrings are no where to be found. I start to frantically call Brian to see if he moved them. I don't get through until 1:00 wherein he is pissed I have been blowing up his phone and I am upset that he wouldn't pick up the stupid phone. No he didn't move them. The kids must have done something. Did I look around - No I just seen that they were gone and decided that I didn't need them - YES I LOOKED EVERYWHERE! He came home found 1 on the floor next to the toilet. Seems to think the other one got flushed. LOVELY! $300 down the drain - no pun intended. He climbs into bed saying it isn't that bad he will have the kids looking for them in the a.m. I cry to sleep on his chest. (These earrings are the only thing that anyone has ever bought me that was a total surprise. Brian went around Valentine's day to the mall with the boys for a boys day out. When he came home he brought these and roses. TOTAL SURPRISE! I have worn them almost every single day since - now I feel naked without them). At around 3 a.m. I am woken by Brian giving me the best oral I have ever had. I repay the favor - to which he feels the need to make me cum yet again. Mind blowing here - esp at 3 when I normally tell him to leave me alone I like my sleep. I have never cum as much as I did this morning - God I love this man. I rolled over at 7 to my alarm - time to start the day again. Up to wake Mikie for school, out the door at 7:30 with him, back to get Andy up for camp and me ready for work. Back out the door at 8 with Corey, Johnna, Brian Jr. and Haley all eating breakfast before I leave. Good morning - not running late. Brian calls around 11 to say he has the girls looking for the earring as Patti said Haley was playing with them yesterday. At 1 he comes to see me at work - no luck. He is going to go through the garbage tomorrow to look through it. YUCK - SUPER YUCK - this tells me how much he loves me back. So Now I am getting ready to leave as Patti and Haley have gymnastics this evening (4:30 - 6:30 then 6:30 - 8:30) so not much else will be done other than laundry, dishes, and dinner. (And I hope at least one more board on my game. Till next time - keep it real!

Jay

2007-06-28T07:49:00.000-05:00

Jason,

Over the past 1 1/2 we have become friends. When Tonya first introduced us I was weary of you because I didn't know you. You started hanging out with us more and more and you because a good thing in her life. (One of the few). Once Tonya started working and I still needed a babysitter for Haley you were willing and Haley was glad to spend time with you son Tre. Then you and Tonya broke up. You continued to watch Haley. No problems. Then you got a job. So I went back to asking Tonya to watch her. Not supposed to be a big deal right? Well you still felt comfortable enough to call me when you needed messages relayed to Tonya. Even though she was back with Nelson. She agitated her situation to where she left Nelson again. All along stringing you on. At this point it was none of my business and believe me it still isn't. For about 3 months she stayed with me and my kids and Brian. All along promising you this or that. You started to watch Haley again because she got another job. Thank you! When I would pick Haley up or drop her off we would chat for a little while. Just common courtesy right? Then she went back to Nelson and you stood there scratching your head. It just wasn't right to you. I listened. I offered advise. I tried to talk with her. I don't know maybe it is me. Maybe I am naive like everyone things and says I am. You act one way when you and Tre spend time with the kids and me just hanging out. Whether it is at my place and the kids are jumping on the trampoline or we are all down at my uncles in the pool or like last weekend camping and you didn't say a good thing about her all weekend. It is frustrating if you ask me because I think you are trying to fool yourself saying that you don't care about her, you don't care about her kids but I know you do. I see the way your eyes feel pain when you talk about her. Yesterday on the way home you said that you and her got into a fight again the night previously and you weren't going to answer your phone. You said that you had enough. Good. You should. There is so much someone can deal with. I told you how I felt about us. Yes people talk. Yes people think what they want but the more they fuel the fire the less I have any desire to do anything with you. I am with Brian. I plan to marry him. He has given me and my kids everything I could ever hope for. Yes we are having a hard time right now but I hope that will pass like it has before. You called me last night and told me some story about going somewhere and you wanted me to stop over when you got back. I called at 11ish and Tonya answered your phone. When I asked for you she called you Honey... I am upset. I am supposed to be a friend. If you wanted to talk to Tonya then just tell me you had other plans and drop it. Don't tell me you want me to come over afterwards, don't tell me lies. I have nothing to say about Tonya being there because frankly it is your business. Speaking as a friend I just want to say I hope you don't get hurt again. I won't call you. I won't stop by. If you ever need someone to talk to I will be here but I am not reaching my hand out to you anymore because, well basically because I don't feel as if you appreciate it and I deserve to feel appreciated by my friends. I have had too many bad friends for so long I desire better. So take care and I hope you get what you want out of life.

Brian

2007-06-27T12:28:00.000-05:00

Brian:

This letter is written to you because I don't see us together in the near future. I don't know why however I suspect why. You believe there is something going on with me and Jay. Well I am telling the truth that if you don't trust me then maybe we shouldn't be together. I have not given you a reason to not trust me. When Jay and I spend time together I tell you. When I do something I let you know. Last weekend when Jay went camping with us before any plans were set in stone I asked you and you told me sure it sounds like fun. I have told you the rumors that Tonya spreads about me. You know how she is. You don't talk to me. You don't talk with me. You sit on the phone and say nothing. We never see each other except on the weekends even though we sleep in the same bed and live in the same house it is like we are two passing adults. When I try to do something with you, you get upset and agitated. You complain. I want to be your wife. I accepted the ring and I said I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. You tell me you are working for nothing. How does that make me feel? Worthless. I ask you to help me around the house. You tell me you will and then you don't. I feel like I am still raising my kids by myself. You tell them to do something but then when they don't you get mad at ME. You need to step up. You need to make them do things when you are there. You need to be there for me. You need to be there for my kids like you promised. I love you. I am so scared thinking we are not going to be together. How do we fix this? How do we mend the broken pieces of our life? Why can't we just turn the clocks back? or forward? Why do we have to wait and see what happens? Life is just what it is... I am trying to make my life the best it can be. I try to be the best mother to Patti, Michael, Andrew, and Haley I can be but I get guilt for making play dates, for taking them swimming, for paying for lessons for them, for even buying them something just because. I work full time. I do my duty. I contribute and I get to see nothing. No tanning, no nails, no pedicure, no soda, cigarettes only when I can't stand it anymore and I am about to break. Running the van on fumes most of the week because we need milk and I rather run on fumes then ask you for $3 to get milk. Why do I feel hatred toward you - toward our relationship... I also feel pain, love, etc. Help me fix this... not end it.

Letter to Tonya:

2007-06-27T12:03:00.000-05:00

Dear Tonya,

You have been my friend for many years. We have had many, many differences however, we have been there for each other's kids. When needed you have been there for me (court with your mom, trials of being pregnant and going through separation from your brother, etc.) and I hope you see it that I have been there for you (when you left Nelson, or you needed rides, or references for work, etc.). However, over the past 2 months I have been getting such a bad vibe from you, from people around you, and from speaking with you. I have heard on numerous accounts that I "steal" your boyfriends. That I have slept with everyone and I pursue each one of them just so I can sleep with them to despise you. I am not going to pick away at you nor am I going to rub your face however we know who was with Mike, who was married to him and had 3 kids. Yes you may have been with him in high school but then you moved away. I did not know you when I met him. I only knew you and grew to become your friend after/during your pregnancy for Ariona years after I left Mike. I did not despise you for this. After you and Mike split it was you and me for a while and in that time every time I was seeing someone you ended up with them. What bothers me is that when I told you I had an interest in seeing John you told me that you have always liked him. I stopped pursuing him. Never even bothered to cross my mind anymore. It just doesn't interest me. Sorry. But then when George and I soured (after I was with him on and off again for 3 1/2 years) you turned right to him (I know it was him, it just happened, but you still were with him). He kept coming to me saying how unhappy he was and I would tell him he could crash on my couch you automatically assumed we were sleeping together. You know what you pushed us to it. If you accuse someone enough they are going to do it. Isn't that what you told Nelson? George went back to you though... whatever. Men are men. That doesn't bother me. Then there was Eric. Eric and I were best friends for so many years. We knew so much about each other. You stepped in started telling Eric all kinds of things about me and now he won't even take my calls. It hurts when the person who is supposed to be your best friend goes behind your back and stabs you like that. We stopped talking shortly after Brian and I ended because, well because frankly I believe you were pursuing him. I don't know the whole truth and I probably never will. I don't want to know it because it would disgust me to think that you slept with Brian in spite of me and our relationship. Recently you have gone through your times with Nelson and not once have I ever picked up the phone, stopped by his house, or even attempted to contact him because he is YOURS. whether you are with him or not. You were with him and I respected that. However, you treated someone else very poorly in the meantime while you and Nelson continue to play mind games. Jay turned to someone to listen to him. I was there. He was watching my daughter. I was not going to just stop that just because you went back to Nelson all along telling Jay that you didn't want to be with Nelson but you didn't want to move in with him neither. The many of times that Jay and I sat on the phone talking or he comes over to my house so the kids can play all we discuss is you. You and Jay. You and Nelson. It isn't about me and Jay. I am a friend. From the get go though you started spreading rumors that Jay and I were sleeping together. That if we weren't it was just a matter of time because that is the way I was. Please explain to me how I am because apparently I am naive and don't know. I have not slept with Jay. Nor will I ever. I am happy with Brian. I have discussed Jay's and my friendship with Brian and it is our issue. NOT YOURS. You are with Nelson. Whether you want to own up to it or not. You live with Nelson, you watch his kids, he watches your kids, you and he pay on the house together, you sleep in the same bed, you tell him all the time you love him. What part of that is it that you are not with the man? How is Jay supposed to feel when he goes to bed at night upset that you are with another man? For the first month I told him that you would come back to him. That he was so much better then Nelson. That you were just stupid. But now I can't stand it when he mentions your name because I see the pain in his eyes. Why would you do this to someone you supposedly cared about? I spoke with Jay this morning and he told me what you said. "If your sleeping with her, then I'll find out. If your not sleeping with her, well then you will eventually. Either way I have no need for either of you." Tonya, I tell you this for the last time. Good bye.

TMI Tuesday

2007-06-19T15:33:00.000-05:00

I have seen this on many blogs I regulate so I decided to do it on mine for this week at least.

1. If you were to face the Wizard of Oz, would you want more courage, more brains, or more heart?
I would ask for more courage. I have the brains to deal with what god gave me up to this point why would I want more, and a heart? Well I care and love everyone even those that backstab and hurt me continuously.

2. Have you ever gone to court for anything? What for? I have been in traffice court too many times to list (speeding, no seatbelt, cell phone talking, not having a registration, etc). My abstract is like 10 pages long. But I am legal now (Just got it back last month). Also I have been in and out of family court since I left my husband 10+ years ago. Going back on July 3rd actually.

3. What was the last thing you did that you previously told yourself you wouldn't do? I keep being friends with people I shouldn't. I call people and talk to then when I know it will just hurt me in the end.

4 Did you ever have a summer fling while on vacation? When I was little my family never went on vacation. :( And then I got married and never went on vacation. And now, well everytime I go on vacation it is with my kids and MY MAN so what good would a summer fling be? As for other times. Yes but I will detail that more later in another post.

5. Have you ever done anything sexual with someone who's name you never knew? I knew their name but not much else. I was a bad one back in the day.

Bonus (as in optional): What is the best way to mend a broken heart? Time. Love. Tenderness. Yes I know Michael Bolton but it is true. Time heals everything, surround yourself in loved ones and treat yourself tenderly and spoil yourself.

T and all the mystery about her

2007-06-12T15:38:00.000-05:00

I felt that I needed to anti up and explain my relationship with T a little better than I have in this blog because in all reality she has been my rock. T and I met on some not so good terms and we have both made the best of the cirumstances that life has to offer us. They tend to bring us closer. Sort of the military life where don't ask we won't tell but if you ask we sure are going to tell all. So I am going to rewind back to late 2000 or something like that. My memory fade since my old age (ripe age of 30). T was living with my ex (they had been together for some time). At that time he had joint custody of our three kids. They were with him from Sunday a.m. until Wednesday p.m. I didn't much like her. Although I left ex and had absolutely no feelings toward him at all I didn't want another woman being a "mother figure" to my kids when he had them. We had our spats but mostly it was because she was always trying to do more for them then ex did. My feeling is they are his kids - have him cook them dinner, get them ready for bed, etc. One day she called me because gymnast couldn't find something:

T: Do you know where my daughter's shoes are?
Me: I am sorry but you don't have a daughter. hung up the phone
T: (After calling back). Look you may not like it but I have been a part of the kids lives for 3 years and I will always be a part of it.
Me: Your not my kids mother and you never will be!
T: I know that but I am the one that makes sure they are taken care of when they are with ex so deal.

Shortly afterwards I went and filed for sole custody - after much court battle and him not showing for court (I won).

About a year after the court proceedings T was pregnant with your youngest. I was the one there for her. When ex and her were fighting she would come over and hang out. Talk about Jerry Springer. We used to go shopping together when he got paid and I would sign his check and she would spend it (since I was/am still legally married to him). Through the years even though ex and T broke up T and I became the best of friends.

My best stories have T in them. Like the birthday that we planned to go out to get smashed on. Mid August - about 85 degree weather. I wanted to go out but like usual by 8:00 I had talked myself out of really needing to go out. at 10 she was at my door yelling at me to get ready. We were going. I told her I didn't have any money. She handed me $10 and told me that if I needed more to just tell everyone it was my birthday. We met up with Eric and one of his friends. He was my best guy friend at the time (another post). We drank, and drank and drank. At about 3 I needed to use the bathroom but unable to walk by myself T had to walk into the bar - we were outside on the patio drinking at the "outside bar" - through the crowded bar and wait in line in the bathroom. When we finally were able to releave our selfs T ended up puking all over the floor. Side note: NEVER GO TO THE BATHROOM WHEN DRINKING - it puts it all into perspective as to how much you drank. We went back to the guys and at some point throughout the night Me and T passed out on the bar which we were carried to a taxi and I remember yelling at the taxi driver where I lived. Upon pulling in my driveway he was honking the horn at 4ish in the morning. I screamed at him - you Fucking ass hole my parents live next door - I will hear about this for weeks. My boyfriend at that time carried me inside, paid for the taxi and after T finished puking inside the cab helped her inside. I think I made it to the living room and we both passed out on the floor. I woke up at 9 a.m. with a huge headache and T was gone. Later that day I called and she just said she woke up and realized her kids were at a sitter and she walked ACROSS TOWN at 7 a.m. to get them and walk home.

Tonight is another example of what a good friend T is. Sugarplum is moving up from Headstart. I work until 5 and the ceremony starts at 6:30 so for me to drive home, get dinner, dress Sugarplum in a nice new dress and due her hair pretty, clean out my camera from last weekends pictures and load the kids into the van would be way to stressful. So I am picking T and her two kids up and she will be getting Sugar plum ready while I do the dinner thing and Gymnast will be cleaning out the camera. Hope everything else goes well.

Cats and Kittens

2007-06-11T12:47:00.000-05:00

So I started out last summer with two stray female kittens. I have always loved animals and since I have a large family a dog is out of the question as it takes too much time and energy to take care of properly. So when we found these kittens I immediately fell in love with them. Spookster and Thunder(bolt) were their names. Spookster is all black with a very small patch of white under her chin. Thunder is white with black spots. Both are part of the family. We as most know if you do not fix female cats they tend to get out. Even though they are supposed to be inside cats. Last fall that is what happened. They were in heat and decided to sneak out. To no avail and pleading of me, MyMan, or the kids would they come back inside until they were good and ready to (and knocked up, I must add). So they I had 2 pregnant cats. Thunder gave birth to 4 kittens - 3 black short haired females, 1 white with black long haired male. We decided to keep the male and find a home for the females. Then Spookster gave birth to 2 very premature, very un cared for male kittens. She didn't nurse them so T did for the first 24 hours and then Thunder took it over. Well I thought there was something wrong with Spookster as she was very sick and I called S.O.C.K.S. and organization where we live that cares for cats and kittens for a fraction of the cost. For $100 they fixed her, cleaned her out (from having the kittens), rabies shot, cancer testing, and everything we needed. We decided once Thunder was done nursing that we would get her the same. Meanwhile we still have 2 of the female kittens of Thunders. Can't find a home for them. We have asked everyone. They are soooo cute and soooo lovable! No one wants a kitten though. Well last week Thunder went into heat again (first time since she gave birth). Now we needed to wait until after she was done with her cycle - well Thursday would you believe so got out. Don't even know how! Everyone was watching when they opened the doors. Any way she refused to come inside again until last night. How much does someone want to bet she is knocked up again???? I sure hope not! I hope my girls are learning from her that they don't need this so young. (LOL!?!?!?)

SO does anyone want a cute kitten? Pictures available upon request!~

School Year coming to and end

2007-06-08T14:45:00.000-05:00

Okay so this is going to be soooo short because I have to leave in 14 minutes but here it goes.

School is coming to and end. Although I haven't attended school in quite some time I have always been connected with it calendar wise. It seems my schedule is so crazy this time of year. Especially with 4 little ones. This weekend is the end of the year show for Gymnast and SugarPlum. So tonight it is off to Walmart while they practice at the venue to get last minute make-up, odds and ends, and dinner for when they are done. Tomorrow is scrambling around to gather everything we need and get them there in plenty of time to stretch. Meanwhile the boys are going out of town with my parents overnight for a wedding. This is going to be a test for my father as to whether he will be able to handle Bubba for the week we will be in FL during December (another post). LOL. Well I do have to get going. I will try to post next week and update everyone on:

Court
The ex-husband situation
Other year end events going on
Cats & Kittens
MyMan and our relationship - where it is heading and is it going to happen anytime soon?
T and J situation or No situation I should say...
Etc..

Peace out!

Help Please - Even though I don't want it...

2007-05-25T09:58:00.000-05:00

okay so I had to write today because i have something on my chest and I have to tell someone and I can't tell anyone in real life so I guess I can write it all here and confess everything and HOPEFULLY no one that I know will see it. To bring everyone up to speed: T moved out about 2 weeks ago and all of her stuff is back with her on Bleecker st. We talk but the relationship is strained again. There is one thing about T that I haven't told anyone - she is a back stabber. By this I mean she tells everyone else things that just aren't' true. Like that I always try to sleep with her exes after she breaks up with them. I ignore them though because I know the truth and the people who matter to me know the truth. Our relationship will be fine as I am not worried about it because it always gets like this - we have our highs and lows. But July we are still doing our annual Six Flags trip for her birthday so everything will probably be fine after that.

(Another side note just so everyone has their info: I smoke, not excessively but occasionally when I am stressed and I know the kids are taken care of. I don't smoke by myself and I usually end up horny afterwards).

Anyway T moved back with her ex. I will call him Nelly since that is what my daughter calls him. Nelly and T have had this on again off again thing for about 4 years now. T gets tired of him hitting her or calling her names and she leaves, comes to stay with me or another friend but has always gone back. This time I thought it was over for good though because she didn't want anything to do with him for about 2 weeks. About week 3 she started talking to him and I only knew it was a matter of time before they would get back together. I mean the guy hits her and calls her a cunt and everything. Why would you go back? "He gives me anything I want and I don't have to wait for it. He gives the kids everything too" That is her reasoning. Well in the meantime the last 2 times that she left him she was hooking up with this other guy J. J is supper nice. And J and MYMAN have become friends and well as J and Me. So even though T and J aren't together J still hangs out at my place. He doesn't have a lot of money but he treated her way better than Nelly. Well J and I have been hanging around each other because he has custody of his son and me of my kids. They all get together and play. Not a big deal. Well since T moved back with Nelly J has been flirting with me. He talked and flirted but nothing serious. I mean I have MyMan and I am so happy with him (except the sexual part but that is a different story). MyMan has treated me so well and deals with my mood swings like they are nothing. Anywho, J kept hitting on me... I just can't deal with that. I love the sudden comments and looks during the flirtation. I have always melted under it. Last night I put the kids to bed, took a quick shower and needed some ME time. I called J and he said he was up watching TV. MyMan wasn't getting home until close to 2 and I really needed adult company... If you are a parent you know what I mean by that. Just the intellectual interaction of another adult. So I told the older kids where I was going. Nothing to hide right? and I went to J's at 10 p.m. He had some smoke and I said "what the hey?" I was burnt because I haven't smoked in so long. We were sitting in his room watching TV in the dark (just cuz it is better that way) when I make the insane comment that my hands were cold. Mind you it was close to 80 yesterday and he had the air conditioner on but still they felt like they were frozen. He didn't believe me. So what did I do - STUPID! Put my hand on his shoulder. It was all down hill from there. He moaned. Said it felt good... well my hands were so cold that I tried warming them up on his skin. MORE STUPIDITY! Well Me, after just getting done smoking ended up massaging his back - he took his shirt off - let me tell you the guys got a great body. So we sat there watching TV with me rubbing his back and him occasionally moaning. DAMN! My hands and wrists were getting tired so I stopped and he leaned back on me... Now, me being so totally stoned and not caring that this guy who was not MYMAN was leaning up on me on oh so many bad ways, slide down so we were both more comfortable. He leaned back and kissed me. lightly. so lightly. It felt good. I wanted more. I needed more. we was giving it to me too. We made out... I felt like I was back in high school because even when I first started dating MYMAN we really didn't make out. It was awesome. His hands were moving all over trying to explore my body and I felt so alive. After about 10 mins I told him that we really shouldn't be doing that. So we stopped. He went to check on his son while I adjusted my clothing. I feel stupid. I feel guilty. I feel alone. He came back and asked if I was okay. I blew it off and said "yeah sure!" (not everyday I make out with someone who I think is totally hot, kisses great, oh yeah and did I mention was not my boyfriend) He mentioned that his hands were shaking. I said that it was a sign that I really needed to leave. He said that he didn't want me to but he didn't want things to go too far and jeopardize MYMAN and his and mine friendship. He walked me to the door and I felt so stupid. He was like... what do you want to do about what just happened... (ummmm.... do as in what do you mean... ) I actually told him not to worry about it. and told him to call me this morning. Going home I was disappointed that we ended it. but I was also relieved. I called him as I pulled in my driveway and I didn't know what to say but I just basically told him that it was better off not telling ANYONE about what happened and he swore he wouldn't. We talked and calmed the air so to speak. So this morning I was bringing Bubba to school and guess who calls me. J! That's who called me. Asked me what I was doing. I was going to Dunkin Donuts and he wanted me to grab him something. So I did and I went to drop it off to him. It was like the day before... the flirting the innuendos. I welcomed it all too. I am so stupid because MyMan and I are celebrating our 1 year anniversary this weekend... But guess who is going clubbing with us - J! I am so already envisioning me in the bathroom with him while MyMan is at the pool table. I want him, I am sorry! Now I feel like T always knew I wanted to do this and said those things to hurt me. She also told J that I would try this... but it wasn't just me was it? I mean he kissed me right? I just kissed him back. It would have been rude if I didn't. right? Should I make excuses not to hang out with him because it is too dangerous and risky or should I continue and see what happens? Live a double life or straight the only one I have out before someone notices...HELP

She's Gone

2007-05-18T08:42:00.000-05:00

**EDITOR'S NOTE: This is written in haste as I know I have things to say but my mind is going about 2 zillion knots and I don't know what to write about first...

It is with a light heart and a great sense of pride that I now have my house back. The past week I have been walking on egg shells in my own home because T and her kids were there. I know I sound like I am taking it to extremes but that is what I felt like. She had my van every day during the week and on Tuesday when I got into it after work (on my way somewhere for the kids) I look down and see that it is below E. I have a newer vehicle and it is a van so it takes a lot of gas but I mean if you drive it put gas in it right? So I started going around with her on that. Then she started in that she put $40 in it on Thursday and when she got into it Monday morning it was on E. NOT! My Man and I filled it Saturday and it was just under 1/2 on Sunday night. So for her to go through that much in 1 1/2 day is extreme especially when she is supposed to only drive it to and from her work. I told her she had to get her own vehicle because I was not paying over $350 a month for a vehicle I don't even use. I put $30 in it Tuesday evening and I still have 1/2 of that left today. I came home on Wednesday and went to use it and all I got was grief because she needed to do this or that and didn't have a way. Well yesterday that all ended. She didn't have to work so I took the van to work. I get a phone call about 20 mins later asking why I took the van. Ummmm Hello there! It is my van isn't it. That is what I told her. She began bitching at me saying that now she didn't have a way to get her check and she couldn't do what she need to do now because I took it to my job. I flatly told her "I didn't know her plans had anything to do with my vehicle" and hung up on her. I didn't hear from her until last night around 8:00 p.m. when she called and asked if I would bring her kids things for the next day to her. I knew where she was. I am not stupid that and the guy she has been stringing on for the last 3 months while she was staying with me called to complain about her about 60 times yesterday. (Which I love gossip so I sat there and listened :)). She is back with her ex. The one that pushed her down a flight of stairs (which I still don't know the whole truth because it is a completely different story everything I ask her about it). Last night after I put my kids to bed and asked Skater to watch the younger ones, Gymnast and I brought all of T's and her kids things to her. We spoke briefly about the cats, the kids, and gymnastics. I didn't ask about her and "N". I don't care. She is really my best friend but she is a user and a bully and if she doesn't get what she wants then she will step all over you. Our relationship was going down hill with her in my house. Now hopefully I can have my (in)sane life back and not have to worry about another adult and 2 more kids all the time.

Dilemma of the month

2007-05-14T13:15:00.000-05:00

Okay so here it is for your review: My ex (Gymnast, Skater, and Bubba's father) has a court order to pay child support. All I ask is that he obey it and pay what it says. $60 a week. I mean for 3 kids $60 a week really isn't that much. He also is supposed to pay 50% of all non covered medical expenses. Last month I began paying on Gymnast's braces (going to total over $5000 throughout a 3 1/2 year span). I had to make a down payment and he then submitted it to child support office. They mailed me a copy of the letter stating he has 30 days to pay it. The 30th day was yesterday and I haven't seen a cent. Now I have a 120 day suspended sentence that I could threaten him with (take him to court and either he pays what he owes me or he can go to jail for 120 days) or I can just swallow it. I mean it is on my account and he will have to pay me back sooner or later. Is it worth me going back to court? What does everyone else think? It isn't even about the money. Every time I end up doing this (last time was in October of 06 when he stopped paying all together and he racked up close to $4000 in back support) He paid $1500 in February which of course I pissed way rather than spend it on the braces but still - I support my kids. I feed my kids, I buy them the world. ALL I ASK is he pay what the court says he has to and he isn't! It frustrates me so much!

On another note - my last post was quite a while ago and I know I have readers but I am sorry for not updating it. She is moving out soon! Don't know when, don't know how, don't know where but I can't take much more of it!

Friends - Can't live with them, can't live without em neither!

2007-04-26T14:17:00.000-05:00

UGH! I am so frustrated right now! I can't stand the fact that I have my kids and they are supposed to do what I say not what everyone else says. They are not supposed to question why or why not they are just supposed to do it. When they are told to do something different by someone else then I have to sit there and try to figure everything out. SO NOT HAPPENING ANYMORE! They are MINE do you hear me?

OK so I probably am confusing someone out there. Let me explain. There is My Man and me. I work first shift (9 - 5), he works second (3 - 11). So he is there when the kids get up in the morning but he is sleeping so he doesn't have that much interaction with them. When Sugarplum gets home he is there to get her off the bus and to spend some one-on-one time with her then he used to send her to the sitters on his way into work. Well since T moved in she has been watching Sugarplum. That is where it gets complicated because T is now working 3rd shift (10:45 - 7:15) so she gets home from work in time to get her kids off to school (from my house mind you) and to be constantly in my way questioning why I am doing this or why I am doing that! I hate it but how do you tell someone to leave when they have no place to go. So the kids are off, I leave at 8:30 with the middle 2 (oldest 2 leave at 7:30) the youngest 2 get on the bus at 8 so I bring the middle 2 when I leave. T then lays down. I call the house at 11:15 to wake My Man up. She answers and gives me grief and attitude as to why I woke her up. Well if she didn't have the phone up her butt she wouldn't worry about it. It is never on the charger and when she can't find it (or the remote to the TV) there is always kids to blame but usually it is her fault. Finally I get her to get up to go find My Man. Come to find out he is already up and in the shower. I leave a message for him to call when he gets out. Thinking to myself all this time 'yeah right he won't call'.

**On top of all that she doesn't have a vehicle so we have been sharing My Man's blazer and my Van between the 3 adults. Talk about life sucking being suck without a vehicle. So I get a call around 1:30 saying she needs to barrow the van to get her check and cash it today and by the time I get home the banks will be closed. Can I get a ride home with my mom (she works in town so often we ride together if needed). I say she is closing today(works at a bank) and won't get out until 5:30. That means I won't get home much before 6:30 and Bubba has a MD appt at 5:30 that if she wants the van she is going to have to come back and get me. Now let me just say I fill that van up every time I get paid($50 the last time) and whenever it is on a 1/4 of a tank in between as long as I have the money, and I do run it all over because of the 4 kids but it was on E as in EMPTY this morning (I get paid today so why put 5 in it to get me to work when I could just fill it on my way home) and I told her this. I told her that she was going to have to put gas in it. How much does someone want to bet that she is going to put 10 in the tank - use it all up and come to get me from work on E again! I am so pissed because this is just the way T is. **

I hate it but I can't tell her NO because she has to be able to get Gymnast and Sugarplum to and from practice and Bubba to MD appts when I can't get out of work. So now on to the next fact that I worked all day yesterday - no not physical labor but that is why I went to college. I get home to the house being trashed - I mean I had to walk over papers and laundry to get to set my work bag down, 4 kids NOT doing their homework. So I take a deep breath and say what the FUCK this is my life right? Gymnast is getting ready for practice. I tell the boys I will be back after I pick up the two little ones (they had practice from 4 - 6) and drop of Gymnast (6 - 9) and go to the store for dinner. I do the fastest shopping ever and bought way too much for the money I had but made it to the studio by 5:55 so I could gather the younger ones up and send Gymnast off. Back in the van we go. Home where I started laundry. Got one of the boys to do homework while the other 2 played on the computer. I started dinner did the dishes and stopped the fighting. At 7:30 I woke T up (Yes she was still sleeping on the couch this whole time) and told her that dinner was ready to get up to eat with her kids (aren't I such a great friend). While we are eating I ask if she could do baths tonight because I had to get Gymnast at 9. She rolled her eyes (as to say I guess I have to) and began yelling because someone wasn't doing what she wanted. I bite my tongue too much. It isn't like I sat on the couch while she did them. I asked her 3 days ago to go through the kids rooms and gather laundry. She said she sent them up to get them - defeats all purpose of me asking her to do it because they grab in plain view and don't think about under dressers, behind doors, under beds, etc. so I went to do that... She gets attitude with me! Go figure! 3 days I have been waiting for her to do this - her reasoning - well then I just wouldn't do the laundry then. Well honey I won't send me kids to school in rags and they sure don't have anything in the laundry right now. Isn't that part of being a mother - doing everything that your kids did 1/2assed? Anywho...The youngest were off to bed by 8:30 the middle by 9 and the oldest were to bed by 10. Yeah I know that's late but Gymnast has practice till 9 then she eats and does homework.

So today I get a call from Skater crying saying he is over to his Aunts and T called and said he had to go home. I said that he was fine until 5 but not a minute after. I try to call her but she is at work getting her check and tells me she will call me afterwards. She calls me back about 20 mins later where I ended up hanging up the phone because her problem is that Skater doesn't go home after school but to his aunts. Plays with his friends and then comes home when I get there by 6 at the latest. She wants him to go home do dishes or another chore, homework and then be bored the rest of the night. (did I mention the fact that she needed him to sit for her son and daughter because she will be out cashing her check when they get there). It doesn't work that way with him and my family is adaptied to it. LIVE WITH IT WILL YA. No he hasn't done dishes in 2 weeks but he is the one that takes garbage out when it needs it as well as makes sure it get to the curb. He is the one up the latest and if you don't feel like getting off the couch he will get you a drink or a snack. He is that kind of boy (I instilled some great values into him didn't I?). SO he doesn't do dishes - ALL WELL... They got done before she moved in and they always get done now so what?

What people have to understand is that each person in MY FAMILY does their own little part. Gynmast does the downstairs bathroom - cat litter, toilet, sink and floor. Not to perfection but enough to last us until the weekends where I get a chance to go in after it. Skater does garbage. Bubba feeds the cats whenever and however much they need. Plus he helps with laundry (bringing it down, bringing from dryer to living room so I can fold it, bring from washer to dryer), not much but when you think we have 9 living in our house there is A LOT OF LAUNDRY. and right now we have 2 Cats and 6 kittens so that is a big responsibility too. Sugarplum does what Bubba forgets (water's the cats), plus she makes sure all the toys stay upstairs. I go through and pile them on the bottom landing of the stairs and she brings them up every night before bed. (could you imagine all the toys throughout the house - UGH!) My Man does the handy work and on the weekends does alittle housework if I ask him. I do everything else. Now T and her kids don't really have anything but try to tell her that and you thought you were slapping her in the face.

Okay I think I ranted enough. 1 hour till T picks me up - should be a fun evening - NOT!

Weather, family court, and other things

2007-04-25T14:41:00.000-05:00

Can someone PLEASE tell me what is going on with this weather? Last week we had a major snow storm. Schools were even delayed then overnight it was in the high 70s and I think even the 80s for a short period of time and then last night it turned wicked cold again! I woke up this morning to TX being hit with killer tornadoes again! I feel so sorry for Sugarplums Grandma Texas as she lives down there (obviously) and was hit by the tale end of Katrina now this... she is expecting to loose power any time if not already and probably won't have any for about a week. Us up here, I don't know if I should send the kids to school in shorts or jeans let alone make sure they bring the right jacket (rain, spring or winter) because in the past week they have used all of them at least once and have even gone some days without a shirt (boys only of course to play outside not go to school).

I was in lovely family court yesterday. Pretty much for the whole day. T had trial yesterday for her 6 year old daughter. She now is the proud parent of primarily physical custody with visitation on Tuesdays and weekends to dad. To anyone who has dealt with family court it means she won - FINALLY after 6 years. I told to just keep plucking away and sooner or later the system will get with her. I go back June 5th for pre-trial for Gymnast, Skater and Bubba. Right now I have sole legal and physical custody and he has visitation 2 weekends on 1 weekend off Saturday at 9 a.m. until Sunday at 8 p.m. Actually right now I have them all the time because he refused to give Bubba his medication and there is domestic violence going on so the judge granted me temporary restraining order. It is hard because I know the kids want to see him but they don't want to be made to see him when the court says so. Gymnast and Skater are both old enough that the law guardian has to speak to them so I am not worried and with the medical complications of Bubba I am not worried about him neither. We are talking about a man that pays $60 a week for child support for all 3 of his kids! $60 a week doesn't even pay for gas let alone anything else. Skater eats as much as My Man does and he is only 11! FatHead doesn't contribute to Gymnast's training/dance. FatHead never pays for school clothes, supplies, or extras! He frustrates me so much because he will stand there and say well they don't need this or they don't need that - guess what - they don't but that doesn't mean I am not going to try to get it for them. My check this Friday is going all to Gymnast's and Sugarplum's monthly fee as well as year end event tickets. Good by $400. but Gymnast wouldn't get it if she were with Dad and she knows it.

Work is pretty boring today. Just trying to catch up from being off yesterday. I missed my first smoking cessation class. Oops! I really want to quit but know know if I have the will power! Especially since My Man and T both smoke and have no desire to quit.

DOUBLE BLOG DAY

2007-04-23T15:17:00.000-05:00

Okay so I already posted something today but it is almost over (the work day) and I don't feel like doing anything so I sit here and ponder on life.

I just got into an argument with skater. He decided not to go home after school but went to his grandmothers instead. Now mind you, I don't mind that he goes there. He would probably move in if I let me but all I ask is a phone call - hey mom I'm going here. I mean I work until 5 and by the time I stop to the store and get dinner, pick up/drop off who I need I don't usually walk through my house door until 6 and for me to be wondering about where one of the kids are is the last thing I want to do. UGH! Common Courtesy - the only thing I want to make sure my kids learn from me! (not really but right now it is!)

So T is staying with me. I decided I have about 1/2 hour to discuss her before I leave for the day so here it goes. I met T about 9 years ago. She had a son (Texas) who was under a year old and she was then dating FatHead. Yeah I know what you are thinking (Jerry Springer all the way). FatHead and I had an okay relationship. We had joint custody of the 3 kids and I had my life when the kids were home and I had my single life when the kids were with him. It ended up that FatHead and T had a daughter together (little one). Anyway as things happened FatHead and T got into fights and FatHead would call me and ask "what do I do?!" Finally I got fed up with it and said I wasn't getting in the middle of their arguments anymore. I mean I was over him. Didn't want anything to do with him but gosh! Don't come to me with problems PLEASE! They are separated now, going on 6 years. But before T left I was introduced to her brother JD. He was and always will be the love of my life. He is the father of my Sugarplum. At the time Fathead wasn't taking care of the kids and T was doing it all. Now mind you she had been with him for 3 years and thought of them as her own which I started to hate in and of itself. I took FatHead to court and won sole custody of gymnast, skater, and bubba. Not long after that T did leave and for good that time (I think she was sticking around to make sure the kids were taken care of). T and I have been friends on and off again ever since. I say that because we have had our bad (REALLY BAD) problems. T has her life and I have mine and sometimes they meet in the middle and sometime they just don't. I don't complain about how she raises her kids and she doesn't complain about mine but that doesn't mean that we agree. You see we were in the middle of one of our tiffs in January 04. Sugarplum was born in June of 03 and T thought that just because she was her niece she could take her anytime and anywhere she wanted. While I was pregnant with Sugarplum JD ended up cheating and leaving me for someone else. In January of 04 T and this other woman we really close because basically T was close to her brother and wherever he was she hung out. Anyway on January 23rd, 2004 I was woken by a phone call from the other woman.

"Insanity"
"Other woman?"
"we lost him, he's gone"
"What are you talking about?"
"JD, he's gone"
"Otherwoman, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN HE IS GONE?"
*Mind you at this point I was freaking out since I have anxiety and all. I had no clue what he was talking about gone - gone where - left her, left the state, what?
"Insanity, JD passed away about an hour ago!"
"OMG!"
That morning I called all over finding out where T was because I knew JD's family would want Sugarplum with them (she is his only kid and he loved her soooooo much). T and I made amends and let peace be just that - peace. We were there for each other and pretty much for Sugarplum and her two kids that lost their favorite uncle too. Come to find out he aspirated in the middle of the night and died before the other woman could call 9-1-1. A lot of things run through my mind now a days and it boils down to I have Sugarplum and God may have taken JD but he left us (me, his family, his friends) something/someone so sweet and so lovable to remember him. She is just like him too.

The next month was crazy. I still went to work and I still got out of bed because I had to. I had no one else to take care of my kids, I had no one else to go to work so I could stay home. I mean geesh, yeah I had a kid with him but he cheated on me and left me for the other woman while I was carrying his child. He tried to control me. He was a horrible, horrible person. But a really, really good FATHER and Daddy! And now he is gone. Gone.

Anyway I was in the middle of telling you about T. While another story is that following fall T and I were pretty close again. She hooked me up with her boyfriend's BF and all things were good except when I was pulled over and was almost thrown in jail because I had a suspended license and warrants for my arrest. Come to find out T was pulled over during the summer and didn't have a valid license and instead of coping to it she used my name, dob, and SS since she already knew all of it. I had 3 warrants and so many tickets in different cities. I couldn't believe what she had done! I couldn't believe she would do this to me. I have to have a license. I have to get to and from work. I spoke with all the police that I needed to and I ended up filing impersonation charges on her. She ended up being the one with the warrants. Not because I wanted to get back at her but I had to in order to get the tickets dropped on my license - so needless to say that was the end of our friendship for a while.

To be continued at another point.

WEEKENDS

2007-04-23T11:14:00.000-05:00

Weekends at my house are insane. Just think my 4 kids plus My Man's 3 kids and then my best friend (T) is staying with me with her 2 kids. So 9 kids + 3 adults = insane. This past weekend was a little boring though. Yeah I know I go to work and they ask how my weekend was and when I say boring they look at me like I have 6 heads or something. "How can it be boring with all those kids". Well we usually have things planned for the weekends and when we don't they are boring. Lets take this past one for example. Friday I got out of work, grabbed Gymnast from practice. We had hamburgers, hot dogs, and salad for dinner which T cooked and had ready when we got there. It was so nice outside that the kids put together the trampoline - Talk about independent! and they played on it until 9ish. MY Man got out of work early and was home by 10 so I started putting the 6 kids through the tub, medications and bed. by 11 dishes were done all the kids were sleeping and we were debating as to whether to go out for a few drinks since T had to work nights Sat & Sun. After deciding that I really didn't want to go wash up just for a drink I sat on the couch and vegged until I fell asleep around 12. My Man woke me up and we went to bed. The next morning we woke at 9:15 when he realized he was late getting his kids. So he left I did the med thing, and started the day with getting everyone dressed. Yeah I know kind of late but where we live my parents live on one side of us and on the other no one is every home so the kids run around outside at all hours in PJ's if I let them. Once My Man got back with his 3 T went and got Her Guy and his kid (little man). So now there was 4 adults and 10 kids (WOW). Everyone just hung out. My Man and I went with the two oldest boys to get oil changes in our vehicles and T went to the park with Her Guy and the rest of the kids. About 5 we decided we needed to start dinner so guess what - we cooked out again. (No dishes who am I to complain?) T went to bed around 8 and I started to do the bed thing again around 9 so by the time she got up at 10 they were all sleeping. Sunday was pretty much the same as Saturday with all the kids playing with each other and me and the other adults just puttering around the house or yard getting this or that done but no one really noticing. At 9 last night all the little ones were in bed and the 2 oldest ones were finishing their homework for this morning. So let me ask you - it is a boring weekend or what? I think I am thinking about road trip real soon or I am going to die of boredom.

MY FAMILY

2007-04-20T08:42:00.000-05:00

This blog is going to tell you about my family and where we are now in life:

The Gymnast is going on 13. I call her that because she was in dance for 3 years then decided to do gymnastics. Now she studies acrojazz, tap, pointe, ballet, and hip hop. She goes about 8 - 10 hours a week. She loves this and to think the reason why I enrolled her was because she was a couch potato and refused to go outside and do anything. She is still like this when she is at home but at least she gets her exercise while she is practicing. She joined the competition team last year and loves it. We travel all up and down the east coast and she is experiencing so much because of her ambition to study at Juliart in a couple of years.

The skater will be 12 this year. I call him this because he doesn't have anything really that he likes to do other than skateboard, snowboard, heely, scooter, etc. I know it sounds kind of funny but I can't get him to sit down and write a 2 sentence report for school but he will read any skater magazine from cover to cover. He also loves Diablo and any of the many game systems that we have (Nintendo DS, GameCube, Playstation2, Super Nintendo, Nintendo 64). Yes I know I spoil my kids but they deserve it right?

Bubba will be 10 in a couple of days. 10 WOW! I still can't believe it. Bubba is just that. He never knew what a real family is like because of being born after me and his father split. He has always had visitation with his father. He is troubled however. He was kicked out of Headstart. that is right - he was 4 and was kicked out for being so aggressive. That is when the medicines and the diagnosis started. ADHD at first. After two years of fighting with the school system he was finally transferred to an different school and was reevaluated. He is now in 4th grade doing 5th grade work. He is smart but his attention and behaviors get in his way. He is diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, ODD, and Bi-polar. The is a medication regime that would make you or me sleep for days but he still fights to go to sleep every night. He loves to play on the computer and to take things about - just to see how things work. He once stuck a toothpick into my ignition of my van to see if it would start - It ended up breaking in the ignition and it took me 3 hours to get a key in it.

Then there is Sugarplum - she is 3 1/2 years old. Goes to headstart. VERY independent. Her father passed away when she was 6 months old (another post). She says she is momma's girl and hates it when people tell her what to do. She talks to her father daily and says he loves her all the time. What do you tell your daughter when she asks to call daddy on the phone? She is the baby of the family although she does not act like it at all. She also does gymnastics and does competition dance.

Finally there is The Man and his kids (3 of them). The Man is a big pain in the butt but I love him nonetheless. He and I have been together for about a year now. We were together before but due to both of our insecurities we broke up for about 2 years. I can't stand being with him but I can't imagine my life with out him neither so I deal with the bad because he brings me so much good. He loves the kids but Bubba gets to him so much it puts a stress on The Man and mine relationship sometimes. The Man has 3 kids (#1, #2, #3). I know that sounds hurtful but they bug me when they are with us. They are complete opposites of my kids. (Another post). The Man works second shift so for the most part it is me and MY KIDS.

The beginning or is it?

2007-04-11T09:15:00.000-05:00

The problem with starting a new blog is where to start? Do I start when I was born? Do I start when I met my husband or when we were married? OR do I start as in today? This blog is going to be updated almost daily since there is so much going on in my life and I just need advice and different perspectives of it.

I guess we will start with I was 17 and was bored so I called on of my girlfriend and asked what she was doing. She said that a couple of guy friends were over there and I should go hang out with them. That was the day I met my husband. 6 months later we were married. I know you are all saying I am crazy but it is true. We were married in March I graduated from high school in June in the top 10% of my class and gave birth to the first of my children (Gymnast) in August. I was determined to do something with my life... at least I thought I was...

My second child was conceived the first time I tried to leave him. I begged me to come back, said things would change. You all know what I mean about this... I went back and Skater was born 1 year and 8 days after Gymnast. My husband (who I will from now on call FatHead) didn't work. We ended up moving in with his mother. I worked full time and also did a part time job doing taxes. I tried everything to get my "family" out and to do something good. I was raised better. When I ended up pregnant with Bubba I had a reliable job and found an apartment. I told FatHead that if he was coming with me and the kids he had to get a job and keep it. Instead of trying to keep the family together he took the kids... I didn't see Gymnast or Skater for 3 months while we battled it out in family court. He claimed I abbandoned my family. I told the judge I just couldn't handle the mental abuse. I ended up lossing my job and gave birth to Bubba a month early because of the stress.

Stay tuned...