okay so I had to write today because i have something on my chest and I have to tell someone and I can't tell anyone in real life so I guess I can write it all here and confess everything and HOPEFULLY no one that I know will see it. To bring everyone up to speed: T moved out about 2 weeks ago and all of her stuff is back with her on Bleecker st. We talk but the relationship is strained again. There is one thing about T that I haven't told anyone - she is a back stabber. By this I mean she tells everyone else things that just aren't' true. Like that I always try to sleep with her exes after she breaks up with them. I ignore them though because I know the truth and the people who matter to me know the truth. Our relationship will be fine as I am not worried about it because it always gets like this - we have our highs and lows. But July we are still doing our annual Six Flags trip for her birthday so everything will probably be fine after that.
(Another side note just so everyone has their info: I smoke, not excessively but occasionally when I am stressed and I know the kids are taken care of. I don't smoke by myself and I usually end up horny afterwards).
Anyway T moved back with her ex. I will call him Nelly since that is what my daughter calls him. Nelly and T have had this on again off again thing for about 4 years now. T gets tired of him hitting her or calling her names and she leaves, comes to stay with me or another friend but has always gone back. This time I thought it was over for good though because she didn't want anything to do with him for about 2 weeks. About week 3 she started talking to him and I only knew it was a matter of time before they would get back together. I mean the guy hits her and calls her a cunt and everything. Why would you go back? "He gives me anything I want and I don't have to wait for it. He gives the kids everything too" That is her reasoning. Well in the meantime the last 2 times that she left him she was hooking up with this other guy J. J is supper nice. And J and MYMAN have become friends and well as J and Me. So even though T and J aren't together J still hangs out at my place. He doesn't have a lot of money but he treated her way better than Nelly. Well J and I have been hanging around each other because he has custody of his son and me of my kids. They all get together and play. Not a big deal. Well since T moved back with Nelly J has been flirting with me. He talked and flirted but nothing serious. I mean I have MyMan and I am so happy with him (except the sexual part but that is a different story). MyMan has treated me so well and deals with my mood swings like they are nothing. Anywho, J kept hitting on me... I just can't deal with that. I love the sudden comments and looks during the flirtation. I have always melted under it. Last night I put the kids to bed, took a quick shower and needed some ME time. I called J and he said he was up watching TV. MyMan wasn't getting home until close to 2 and I really needed adult company... If you are a parent you know what I mean by that. Just the intellectual interaction of another adult. So I told the older kids where I was going. Nothing to hide right? and I went to J's at 10 p.m. He had some smoke and I said "what the hey?" I was burnt because I haven't smoked in so long. We were sitting in his room watching TV in the dark (just cuz it is better that way) when I make the insane comment that my hands were cold. Mind you it was close to 80 yesterday and he had the air conditioner on but still they felt like they were frozen. He didn't believe me. So what did I do - STUPID! Put my hand on his shoulder. It was all down hill from there. He moaned. Said it felt good... well my hands were so cold that I tried warming them up on his skin. MORE STUPIDITY! Well Me, after just getting done smoking ended up massaging his back - he took his shirt off - let me tell you the guys got a great body. So we sat there watching TV with me rubbing his back and him occasionally moaning. DAMN! My hands and wrists were getting tired so I stopped and he leaned back on me... Now, me being so totally stoned and not caring that this guy who was not MYMAN was leaning up on me on oh so many bad ways, slide down so we were both more comfortable. He leaned back and kissed me. lightly. so lightly. It felt good. I wanted more. I needed more. we was giving it to me too. We made out... I felt like I was back in high school because even when I first started dating MYMAN we really didn't make out. It was awesome. His hands were moving all over trying to explore my body and I felt so alive. After about 10 mins I told him that we really shouldn't be doing that. So we stopped. He went to check on his son while I adjusted my clothing. I feel stupid. I feel guilty. I feel alone. He came back and asked if I was okay. I blew it off and said "yeah sure!" (not everyday I make out with someone who I think is totally hot, kisses great, oh yeah and did I mention was not my boyfriend) He mentioned that his hands were shaking. I said that it was a sign that I really needed to leave. He said that he didn't want me to but he didn't want things to go too far and jeopardize MYMAN and his and mine friendship. He walked me to the door and I felt so stupid. He was like... what do you want to do about what just happened... (ummmm.... do as in what do you mean... ) I actually told him not to worry about it. and told him to call me this morning. Going home I was disappointed that we ended it. but I was also relieved. I called him as I pulled in my driveway and I didn't know what to say but I just basically told him that it was better off not telling ANYONE about what happened and he swore he wouldn't. We talked and calmed the air so to speak. So this morning I was bringing Bubba to school and guess who calls me. J! That's who called me. Asked me what I was doing. I was going to Dunkin Donuts and he wanted me to grab him something. So I did and I went to drop it off to him. It was like the day before... the flirting the innuendos. I welcomed it all too. I am so stupid because MyMan and I are celebrating our 1 year anniversary this weekend... But guess who is going clubbing with us - J! I am so already envisioning me in the bathroom with him while MyMan is at the pool table. I want him, I am sorry! Now I feel like T always knew I wanted to do this and said those things to hurt me. She also told J that I would try this... but it wasn't just me was it? I mean he kissed me right? I just kissed him back. It would have been rude if I didn't. right? Should I make excuses not to hang out with him because it is too dangerous and risky or should I continue and see what happens? Live a double life or straight the only one I have out before someone notices...HELP
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It seems that some of the people you consider friends don't really treat you that well. T has taken advantage of you numerous times according to what you have written, and it sounds as if you have issues you aren't bringing up with your man. Speaking from experience, the only way to truly be happy is to cut all of the negative people out of your life. I really hope everything works out for you. Good luck.
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